What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is any form of violence that takes place in the home between adults. Violence between adults and children is called child abuse or elder abuse, abuse involving sexual situations or innuendoes is called sexual abuse, and abuse between siblings is called sibling abuse. Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation and often including the threat of violence or the actual use of violence. Call 911 any time someone threatens you with violence or is physically violent to you. Any harmful physical contact done in an angry manner can be a chargeable offense.

What constitutes "violence" when you use the term domestic violence?

Violence is anything that a person or persons do to impose their will onto another with the consequence of causing harm to others, either emotionally or physically. This can be verbal abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, intimidation, threats, use and abuse of power and control on another, manipulation (particularly that which creates guilt or feelings of helplessness in others).

What are the basic types of domestic violence?

Physical Assault: Includes shoving, pushing, restraining, pinching, stepping on or sitting on victim, hitting, kicking, or pulling hair. Physical assaults may occur frequently or infrequently, but in many cases they tend to escalate in severity and frequency over time. Sexual Assault: Any time one partner forces sexual acts which are unwanted or declined by the other partner. Psychological Assault: Includes isolation from family and friends, forced financial dependence, verbal and emotional abuse, threats, intimidation, and control over where the partner can go, who they can see or talk to, what they can wear or not wear, and what she can do. Attacks Against Property and Pets: Destruction of property which may include household objects (phone, remote, lamp, dishes etc.) or treasured objects belonging to the victim, hitting the walls, or abusing or killing beloved pets.

Do I have to be physically abused in order to get help from Domestic Violence centers?

No. People who are trained in helping victims of D.V. Understand that being in any kind of violent relationship creates similar problems and emotional stress. You can get help regardless of the type of abuse you have endured. Help can be found at mental health clinics, women's shelters and in hospitals. Click here for national hotlines and help info.

How Can I Increase My Safety while I Am Still in the Relationship?

Keep important phone numbers (police, domestic violence hotlines or shelters, family, friends) with you at all times and always have change for a phone call. Tell as many people as you can (friends, family, people at work or school) about the violence and ask them to call the police if they ever think you are in danger. Develop code words to use with friends and family when you are in immediate danger. Make a list of several places you could go to be safe if you needed to get away in a hurry. Find a person or place where you can leave emergency money, keys and clothes. Join a support group for victims of dating and domestic violence. Update, review and practice your safety plan regularly.

How Can I Increase My Safety When Leaving the Relationship or When the Relationship Is Over?

Go to court to get a restraining order and give copies of the order to the police, your school, your workplace or any other place where you spend time. Keep a copy with you at all times. Tell the people close to you about the violence and that you are no longer in the relationship, and ask them to look out for you and get help if they ever think you are in danger. If possible, change any locks in your house that the abuser has keys to. Make an escape plan in case you are in danger and have to leave home suddenly. Try not to be alone in isolated areas. Find someone you feel comfortable talking to when you need some extra support or are afraid you might go back to the abuser. Join a support group for victims of dating and domestic violence. If you leave your home, take these items: ID, Social Security card or Driver’s License Address book Change for a phone call Money, checks or credit cards Keys A change of clothes for you and your children (if you have children) Any needed medications. Any papers you need for school or work

Why won't my friend just leave her abusive boyfriend?

People who are victims of D.V. Become conditioned to believe that there is nothing they can do to help themselves. There is a term called Learned Helplessness that was studied in the 50's and 60's. Animals placed in chronically abusive situations were unable to escape the violence when a clear alternative (escape route) was provided for them. This is because after a while they gave up hope of ever being able to change their circumstances and were therefore no longer able to see, or have hope in, potential solutions. Research indicates that people in chronically abusive situations become unable to make decisions to save themselves. Even when an escape route is obvious to others, the abuse victim is unable to see it. There is a learned helplessness that develops over time, and it makes the victim feel powerless and unable to act assertively. She stays because she is terrified that he will become more violent if she leaves, that he will try to take the children, that she can't make it on her own. The average woman in a domestically violent situation tries to leave the situation 7 times before they are successful at leaving permanently. Support your friend and help her to regain that feeling of hope and self-worth until she is able to make the break.

Isn't it better to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children?

Children are never benefited by a violent situation. If the situation is verbal violence toward a spouse, and the children are never a part of it and are never effected by it (right), then there may be hope in getting some really serious counseling. Get involved in anger management classes and couples counseling which works towards empowering a positive, loving, relationship. If this is something that both partners are willing to work at, than go for it. Any kind of violence which involves the children either directly or indirectly needs to stop immediately, or the non-abusive parent needs to take the children away from the violent situation ASAP! Children learn how to be adults by modeling their parents, for better or for worse. They learn to become abusive, or they learn to be a punching bag for other abusers throughout their life. Their sense of self worth never develops and they have a suicide rate 10 times higher than children from non-abusive families.

Is there very much family violence in the United States?

This is difficult to answer since violence occurs behind closed doors. However, a national random sample of households (Strauss, Steinmetz, 1980) showed that almost 4% of American families experienced severe physical violence of a degree that had the statistical probability of inflicting serious injury or death upon the victim (stabbed, gun used, beat up, punched). In 1980 that figure equaled over two million persons per year. Current data show four million victims per year. However, if more common forms of violence are considered, such as slapping, scratching, punching, and shoving, then the estimate is 26% of American households experience this (Richard Gelles, 1974). Such violence often accounts for 50% of calls to police on late-night shifts.

Is this violence "really" serious?

Information from the National Victimization Survey indicates that assault by a family member is more likely to cause injury than assault by a stranger: 23% of stranger assaults involved injury to victim, while 57% of spousal assaults involve such injury. 7% of stranger assaults require medical attention, while 24% of spousal assaults require such attention. Statistics for women who enter shelters showed women's injuries included: black eyes, bruises, broken teeth, cracked ribs, broken nose, fractured jaw, gunshot wounds, and miscarriages due to violence.

Do battered women have a lot of kids?

Here again there is a common stereotype that battered women have many children. Information from women residing in Shelter Services for Women concluded that 79% had children, 21% did not. Of those women who had children, the average was 1-2 children per woman. The stereotype of a woman coming into the Shelter with 6 or 7 children does not hold true.

Does violence only happen among poor people or among persons of a specified race?

Domestic violence is not a class issue or an economic issue. It cuts across all people in equal representation to the population. Women who use the Shelter have "nowhere else to go." A woman with an independent income might have resources to get out of town, go to a motel, etc., but quite often is in great emotional distress, potential physical harm, and needs a safe, supportive environment to sort things out. A shelter for women is the best place to go to be safely away from further harm. A parent's home might be comfortable, but if the perpetrator knows where they live, you could be putting yourself and your family at risk

You're assuming women are the victims. Don't women hit?

Yes, indeed women use asaltive behaviors. Research on a national, random sample of households (Strauss, Steinmetz, Gelles, 1980) seems to show that women are as equally likely as men to hit. However, when you look at who gets "hurt" the story changes. Analysis of police reports in California indicated that in 90% of cases that went to court, only the women were injured. In the remaining 10%, both parties had injuries. In all cases where both parties had injuries, the woman's injuries were more severe than the man's. Men are typically bigger and stronger and more likely to use a weapon than women. Studies have indicated that women who abuse partners do so only after having been abused themselves by that partner over a long period of time. Unfortunately, when women fight back, the man is 10 times more likely to press charges than were the women when they were the victim. Second, there are issues of long-term victimization. When a relationship breaks up, the general finding is that the man will keep his job, the woman will keep the children.

Who are the victims of domestic violence?

Statistics reflect that 95% of domestic violence victims are women, although men may also be victims. But regardless of who is being victimized, domestic violence is a serious problem that needs to be addressed by religious communities, families and schools.

How prevalent is domestic violence?

Surveys from the U.S. and Canada indicate that domestic violence occurs in 28% of all marriages. Researchers believe this estimate is too low since most domestic violence incidents are unreported.

How do I know if someone is a victim of domestic violence?

Women who are being battered are as different from each other as non-battered women. They come from all walks of life, all races, all educational backgrounds, and all religions. A battered women might be the Vice-president of your local bank, your child's Sunday school teacher, your beautician or your dentist. Anyone experiencing any of the patterns of abuse listed above is a victim of domestic violence.

Who are the batterers?

Just as with battered women, men who batter fall into no specific categories. They also come from all class backgrounds, races, religions, and walks of life. They may be unemployed or highly paid professionals. The batterer may be a good provider, a sober and upstanding member of the community, and a respected member of his congregation.

How can I help a friend or family member if an abusive situation is revealed?

Listen to the woman and believe her. Tell her that the abuse is not her fault, and is not God's will for her. Don’t be afraid to let her know that you are concerned for her safety. Help her recognize the abuse. Tell her you see what is going on and you want to help. Tell her she is not alone and that help is available. Let her know that without intervention, abuse often escalates in frequency and severity over time. Seek expert assistance. Refer her only to specialized domestic violence counseling programs, not to couples counseling. Help her find a shelter, a safe home, or advocacy resources to offer her protection. To suggest that she merely return home places her and her children in real danger. Hold the abuser accountable. Don't minimize his abusive behavior. Help her to recognize that what is happening is not "normal." Acknowledge that she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Encourage her strength and courage. Let her know that it is not her fault that she is being abused – the abuser, not the victim, is responsible for the abuse. Remember that it may be difficult for her to talk about the abuse. Let her know you are available to help whenever she needs it. What she needs most is someone who will listen to and believe her and who can help her sort out her options. Be nonjudgmental. Respect her decisions. She may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Do not criticize her for doing that. She will need your support even more during those times. Do not make her feel bad for her choices – even if you think these choices are "wrong." Encourage her to do things with you and other friends and family and to take part in other activities outside of her relationship. If she breaks up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of her once she is alone. Even though the relationship was abusive, she will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. Help her develop a safety plan. Encourage her to talk to people who can give her help and guidance. Offer to go with her to find a counselor or support group, or to talk to her family, friends or teachers. If she is going to the police, to court, or to see a lawyer, offer to go along, but make sure to let her do the talking. Remember that you cannot "rescue" her. You should be there to support her and to help her find her own way to escape the abuse and make herself safe. Support him in seeking specialized batterers' counseling to help change his behavior. Continue to hold him accountable and to support and protect the victim even after he has begun a counseling program. If restoration of the relationship is to occur, it can be considered only after the above steps have taken place.

What can the church or synagogue do to prevent domestic violence?

Form a committee to address domestic violence issues. Encourage the clergy to speak out against domestic violence from the pulpit. Invite staff from local domestic violence programs to make educational presentations. Designate a day or month for educating and activating the congregation. Offer pre-marriage counseling dealing with equality, conflict, violence, and control. Use available curricula for youth which encourage the values of gender equality and nonviolent conflict resolution. Offer meeting space in your church or synagogue to the local domestic violence program. Contribute financial support to local domestic violence programs.

What should I do if I believe I am a victim of domestic violence?

Trust your instincts and seek help from a domestic violence program in your community. Recognize that the abuse is not your fault. Know that you are not alone and that help is available. Talk in confidence with someone you trust: a relative, a friend, or, if you feel comfortable, a religious leader. If you choose to remain in the situation for now, set up a safety plan of action (for example, hide a car key and some money in a very safe place, locate somewhere to go in case of emergency). Be aware that often family members will suggest that you simply stay in the relationship and will tell you to "try harder" to make him happy. This is ignorant and selfish advice that comes from people who are afraid they will look bad in the community if people find out about the abuse or about a potential divorce in the family. Make sure the person you talk to is someone who has been very supportive in the past.

How do I know if I'm a batterer?

If you are extremely jealous If you control your partner's activities If you use physical force to solve problems If you believe that you are the head of the household and should not be challenged. If these are true for you, then you are probably hurting the people you love and you should get help from someone who will hold you accountable. Acknowledge that the abuse is your problem and have the courage to seek help. Click here to see a profile of an abuser.

Where can I find more information?

For services for victims in the U.S. or Canada, look under "Abuse" or "Community Services" in the front of your phone book.

For services for victims in the U.S.: National Domestic Violence Hotline (800)799-SAFE (24 hours) (800)787-3224(TDD) Resources & technical assistance in the U.S.: National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (800)537-2238

For services for victims in Canada: Assaulted Women's Helpline (416)863-0511 (24 hours)

For French-speaking women in Canada: SOS Femmes (800) 387-8603 (in Canada, 24 hours)

For educational materials in Canada: National Clearinghouse on Family Violence (800) 267-1291(within Canada) Information on religious issues and domestic violence: CPSDV 936 North 34th Street, Suite 200 Seattle, WA 98103 http://www.cpsdv.org Reading Material: A Christian Resource: Keeping the Faith:

Click here for a complete list of resources