Psych-Net Mental Health, Domestic Violence

Each year, an estimated 2 million to 4 million women in the United States are abused by their male partners. Many of them are severely physically assaulted, and thousands are killed. Others are intimidated, isolated, humiliated and controlled by their partners, usually in silence. Domestic violence isn't an easy crime to report, because survivors often feel ashamed, helpless and dependent on the perpetrator. But there are many resources available to help people escape abusive situations permanently.

Oasis spoke with Sara Berg, LICSW, a social worker and violence prevention coordinator at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., about domestic abuse and ways to find help.

Berg: The most commonly reported form of domestic violence is physical assault, which includes punching, kicking, grabbing, slapping, choking, poking, pulling hair, twisting arms, biting, beating, and using a weapon. Intimidation is another form of domestic violence, and it may include scaring the abused person with looks, actions, gestures, yelling, or smashing things. The abuser also may threaten to kill his partner, to take away her children, or to commit suicide. Sometimes, the abuser will torture or kill the woman's pets.

Emotional abuse is also considered domestic violence. This involves putting the person down by calling her names, making her feel like she is crazy, treating her like a servant. Another element is isolation, in which an abuser isolates his partner from people who are important to her. The abuser also may control all the finances, so that the abused woman doesn't have access to any financial resources. He also may try to prevent her from getting or keeping a job.

Sexual abuse is also considered domestic violence. Abused people are often coerced into having sex with their partners.

Spiritual abuse is another form, in which the abuser doesn't allow his partner to have her own spiritual belief systems, or to practice her religion.

Berg: There are many reasons why people don't admit that they are in abusive relationships, but the biggest factor is probably fear. A woman may have been beaten down and intimidated to the point where she feels as though no one is going to believe her, or no one will help her if she tells about the abuse.

A lot of women also get caught in what's called the 'cycle of violence.' After a violent episode, the abuser will typically be very apologetic and loving, often showering his partner with gifts and promises that things will get better. And then he abuses her again. Typically, each time it happens the abuse becomes worse, and the cycle becomes shorter. But often the abuser is the woman's main, or sole, source of love and affection, so she gets stuck in the cycle.

I think it's particularly hard for people who have grown up in abusive situations and have been victims their whole lives, to recognize that the abuse isn't normal. Often they simply don't know anything different.

Oasis: Are there certain factors that are common among people who abuse their partners?

Berg: In truth, there really isn't a stereotypical abuser. People often blame domestic violence on substance abuse, but that's a myth. Chemical dependency and domestic violence are two separate problems, and if you address only one of them, it's not going to solve the other. Abusers come from all walks of life. They haven't necessarily been abused as children, they aren't from a certain socioeconomic group, and most don't have a major mental illness.

The dynamics of abusive relationships do have certain characteristics, however. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 95 percent of reported assaults on spouses or ex-spouses are committed by men against women. Abuse also can happen in same sex relationships. In all cases, the abuser chooses to use a learned behavior to control his partner. Domestic violence is not about just losing your temper, it's about controlling someone.

Oasis: How dangerous is it for a woman to stay in a home where she's being abused?

Berg: It can be lethal. FBI statistics indicate that each year, about 1,400 women in the United States die as a result of domestic violence. Often the most dangerous time is when a woman tries to leave. That's when she's most at risk of being killed.

Oasis: Who can a person in an abusive situation contact for immediate and long-term help?

Berg: In an emergency situation, call 911. If you're not in immediate danger, the best place to call in the United States is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The phone number is 800-799-SAFE (7233), or 800-787-3224 (TDD). This hotline is staffed 24 hours a day by people who can tell you where you can get help in your community.

Another excellent resource for help is the abused person's health care provider. I really encourage women to talk to their physician about their situation. There is currently a movement throughout the United States in which the health care community is taking a more proactive role in recognizing signs of abuse and helping people who are in abusive situations.

A local women's shelter is also an excellent resource, both for immediate and long-term assistance. One of the things staff members can do is help women develop a safety plan.

Berg: A safety plan involves making preparations to leave an abusive partner in a quick, safe manner. Often, when a woman tries to leave an abusive partner, he becomes violent and an emergency situation develops. That's why making a safety plan is so important. One of the basic elements of this plan is for a woman to know how to get out of the house in a hurry, to make sure that she has an escape route through the back door or a window if things get out of hand.

Another important element is having necessary escape tools handy. For example, one woman told me that she hid a coffee can in a cornfield containing candles and other things that she needed for her immediate safety. Money, including coins for a pay phone, should be in the safety kit. Women should also include an address book with phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors and lawyers. They need to have a change of clothing for themselves and their children.

As part of a safety plan, women also need to know where they can go and how they can get there without a car. They may want to set up a plan with a friend or neighbor who can provide transportation.

When feasible, I also advise people to get an extra set of important papers. These papers might include checking and saving account numbers, a copy of their lease, the title to their car, copies of any orders for protection they have, birth certificates for themselves and their children, social security numbers, medical cards, and any medications that they need.

As part of a safety plan, a woman should avoid making long distance phone calls from home, because her abuser could trace the calls to find out where she's staying. I also advise women to call the schools, the courts, and the welfare office to tell them not to give out any information on the children or themselves.

Oasis: What resources are available to people who are being abused by same-sex partners?

Berg: That can be a difficult situation, particularly in communities where homophobia is as problem. But I know that many big cities with large gay populations have special services available to gay and lesbian people. People who are being abused by same-sex partners can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 800-799-SAFE, or their local gay/lesbian advocacy group. It's very difficult for someone in that kind of a relationship to seek help from traditional resources. They face two major obstacles at once — the fear that they're going to be criticized for their lifestyle, and the fear surrounding the domestic violence.

Berg: The most important thing is to communicate to the abused person that they don't deserve to be treated this way, and that the abuse is not occurring because of something that they've done wrong.

I also think it's very important for people to understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process, and one that's often long and drawn-out. Statistics show that the average battered woman leaves the relationship seven times before she leaves for good. This can be very frustrating for her relatives and friends. But it's very important to understand that the person who is in the abusive relationship is the only person who can decide when the time is right to leave. And it's critical that concerned people be respectful of the abused person's right to make his or her own decisions.

A lot of people don't understand the complexity of abusive situations. They think, 'He's beating you up, why can't you just leave?" They don't understand that the abused person's pets may have been killed, she may have been threatened with murder, or may have received threats against her loved ones. It's a very difficult and dangerous situation.

A lot of women have to go underground to escape. It's often not as easy as just picking up and leaving. There has been legislation enacted to make it easier for women to change their names, and their children's names, and to get new social security numbers. Women's shelters can help abused people make such changes, if needed.