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Communicating - The Key to Success

This Week's Blogs

Tuesday
Intimate Relationships

Wednesday
 Mental Health

Thursday
Teens & Families
Before your child can obey you, s/he has to be able to understand you. And before you can fully understand what will work best with your children, you have to know how to listen to and understand them. Healthy and skillful communication is a most essential element in successful parenting. Without it, your attempts to utilize new skills will fade into confusion and frustration.

So often parents come to me asking for help with raising their children. Frustrated and tired, they exclaim, "I've tried everything!" My response to them is, "You may have tried many things, but you haven't stayed long enough with the things that work." Regardless of how many books a parent has read, or how many support groups they attend, none of the skills they have learned will work without tenacity; the missing ingredient to many futile, parental efforts.

Tenacity is the ability to keep with the program, even when your frustration level is at its peak. There are no magic solutions to eliminating parenting troubles. Every new skill needs to be combined with healthy communication, patience and time for everyone involved tobegin using the new program. I know of nothing that brings about change flawlessly, the first time it is used. In other words, take the skills outlined in these lessons and practice them until they feel normal. Once you have grown used to them, you should be able to see marked improvement in whatever the original problem was. Don't give up because everything didn't go the way you hoped it would the first time. Give it at least a week of consistent change. If you aren't 100% consistent, it will not work.

Parenting Goals

The Goal in a parent child relationship is to enable children to eventually assume responsibility for themselves and make their own decisions based on expanded alternatives and approaches. The parent neither solves the child's problems or flatter the child merely to make him/her feel better. The healthy relationship that benefits the child is a mutual learning process between the parent and the child. Its effectiveness depends on the following: (further discussion of each of these items will follow in the pages and links in the parenting section of this site)
  1. The parent's skills in communicating his or her understanding of the child's feelings and their behaviors; understanding the child's developmental level and ability to reason and communicating at that level.
  2. The parent's ability to determine and clarify the child's problem; realizing that the child lacks the ability to explain his/her feelings accurately, and talking the child through the issue to fully understand what the problem is.
  3. The parent's ability to apply appropriate helping strategies in order to facilitate the child's self exploration (feelings and behavior options), self-understanding why s/he gets upset at someone), problem solving what are the options), and decision making (what option will bring the desired outcome), all of which lead to constructive action on the part of the child.
  4. The parent's ability to maintain the power in the relationship without abusing it i.e.. Never ask the child's permission - "I'm going to take the toy away until after nap time OK honey?").
  5. The parent's ability to remain consistent so that the child knows exactly what to expect if s/he disobeys ("If you do this, the consequence will be that.").
  6. The parent's willingness to reproved with love so that the child learns that misbehavior is not linked to the parents love for him/her.

Do's And Don'ts In Parenting

  1. Always listen for the feelings behind the words; then address them and validate them.
  2. Allow your positive feelings (love for the child) to take priority over anger. Remember, anger is just a cover for your own fear and pain. If you acknowledge your own underlying feelings (fear and/or pain) you will not feel the anger so intensely and will be able to problem solve instead of creating chaos.
  3. Listen, Listen, Listen! Stop flying into emotional responses. Stop formulating your response before the child has finished speaking.
  4. Become aware of your feelings, and express them in "I" messages (I feel ___, when___, because___).
  5. Don't participate in an emotional escalation - walk away or take a time out to collect yourself before continuing the conversation..
  6. Never resort to name calling.("Are you a moron or something!?")
  7. Don't denigrate or size up their character.("Your so selfish!")
  8. Don't act superior. ("I told you so!" or "If you acted like me instead of like your father you would be better off.")
  9. Don't act on assumptions - Try to get all the puzzle pieces before before making a judgment call. ("Don't try to fool me buster, I know exactly what you were doing.")
  10. Don't talk more than you listen. ("I'm talking; you listen to ME!")

    Emotionally children are much like adults, except that they cannot manipulate or hide their emotions like we can. They feel fear when their parents fight. They feel insecure when their schedule or their surrounding change. They feel worthless when they are ridiculed. They feel angry when wronged and they act out when they have intense feelings that they don't know how (or aren't allowed) to express. When we act out our feelings in healthy ways, we are teaching our children how to deal with their feelings. When we are out of control we are giving them permission to behave badly. Children learn how to deal with their feelings largely from their parents. If we yell, hit or throw a tantrum when we are angry or hurt, they will learn to deal with their feelings in the same way. When we hit them because they hit a sibling we are sending a confusing message that only exacerbates the child's frustration, and delays his/her ability to deal with their emotions in a nonviolent way.

Trust - Earned And Learned

Trust is one of the most essential ingredients in a successful parent child relationship. A healthy relationship includes an unconditional, steady degree of trust, empathy, genuine concern, caring, respect, tolerance and acceptance, honesty, commitment to the relationship, and dependability. If trust does not develop, the other ingredients will dwindle and the relationship will eventually die. Trust is established when person "A" perceives and believes that person "B" will not mislead or harm him/her in any way (physically, emotionally or spiritually).

Communication Skills

Express feelings and comments in the form of "I" messages.

I feel________, when_________, because________.
An example might be, I feel hurt when it looks like you're not listening, because I really want to share my thoughts with you. "I" messages are a way of expressing how you feel about a situation without placing blame, or eliciting a defensive or argumentative response. If a parent says "You were supposed to take out the garbage, can't you remember anything?" the child (or adult) is likely to tune out the parent and feel resentful, defensive, or angry.

If instead, the parent expresses his/her feelings in the form of an "I" message, ("I feel betrayed when the trash isn't taken out, because I trusted you to keep your word.") The child will understand that his/her actions have an effect on others. He will realize that the parent's expectation is that he does the chore that has been assigned and agreed upon.

The parent might go one step further and add, "I would appreciate it if you would take it out now." This is a clear and direct addition to the parents previously expressed expectation of the child. It is also phrased in the form of a "revised" "I message" and eliminates a demanding or controlling attitude that kids feel defensive from.

Once you begin to use "I" messages regularly and they begin to feel more natural in conversation you will learn how to vary the original form in certain situations without distorting the the effect of the communication. Often people say "People don't really talk like this." But in fact we do - those of us who have made it a habit and have experienced the positive effects. It is just that when you are first beginning to change the way you talk it feels strange, even silly. But once it becomes a habit neither you nor those around you will think anything of it. But it will have an enormous positive impact on your relationships with everyone around you.

When people hear "you-this" and "you-that," they have a tendency to become defiant and defensive. If the parent, on the other hand, is expressing his or her own feelings and expectations without ordering or blaming, the child is more likely to respond with respect rather than retaliate or act out. The parenting goal here isn't to show the child how angry s/he has made you, it is to have the chore done and to teach the child that his/her misbehavior has a negative effect on the family and on his/her future privileges.
 

Crating an angry child can lead to the child behaving disrespectfully, feeling little or no empathy for others and putting themselves into dangerous or illegal situations. A dehumanize child (ridiculed, yelled at, treated with disdain) may begin to withdraw from the parent and perhaps the world in general. They will grow to feel worthless. They will find ways of diminishing the pain they feel inside by overeating, hurting themselves, drugs, alcohol, starvation, promiscuity etc., Some children become imploders - they turn their feelings inward and may eventually become depressed or even suicidal. Other children become exploders - they turn all their emotions into anger, become verbally or physically combative and may wind up in the juvenile justice system.

Reflective Listening - The Key To Positive Communications

Listening is a skill that requires practice, patience and persistence. Listening is different than simply hearing. It is the desire and ability to allow another person to express their thoughts and feelings without judging, interrupting or correcting. Too often as parents we neglect to allow our children the right to express themselves openly, in a safe arena. Instead we allow our emotions and our assumptions to take over as we listen. We need to allow our children to express their feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative, regardless of weather or not we agree with them. We need to let the child know that what they have to say is important and that we are interested in them, their thoughts and their feelings. Parents need to remember to refrain from arguing with the child about their ideas or their feelings as they have as much right to think or feel a certain way as you do. So often I hear conversations that go something like this (and I cringe):

Child: "Mommy my toe hurts."
Parent: "Oh look at that little scrape, that doesn't hurt."

So what message are we sending to the child? One that says "you are not capable of knowing weather or not you are hurting. You are confused and only I can determine if you are in pain. By so doing, you are telling the child that you have no empathy for his/her feelings or circumstance. And by example you are teaching them to negate the feelings and experiences of others; and that is how sociopaths are created.


One way to become an effective listener is to incorporate mirroring techniques into our listening style. Mirroring is listening fully to what the other person is trying to communicate without judging, interrupting or criticizing. After the person is finished, the listener summarizes what they think they heard and then asks the listener if that was what they said. If the listener's summarization is confirmed then s/he may respond by expressing "I" messages. If the listener is told that the message heard was not complete or accurate, the speaker needs to reiterate the message clearly and concisely. The process continues until the listener is clear about what the speaker is attempting to say. This is especially true with children; and children aren't skilled at organizing their words in a way that accurately expresses their feelings.

An example of reflective listening:

Person A:"Look, I'm sick and tired of you always singling me out and acting like I'm your problem. Why don't you take responsibility for yourself instead of trying to blame me all the time? I'm not the idiot you always think I am."
Person B:"I didn't realize that you think I single you out, and I can see that it makes you feel bad; and it seems to you that I don't accept or take responsibility for my part in the problem; and you want me to know that you're not a bad person. Is that correct?"
Person A:"I guess; that's pretty much what I said." - (stunned and anger dissipating)

This technique at first, may feel awkward and strange, but after you have practiced it and become comfortable with it, It will become a natural part of your communication style. By using mirroring you are better able to understand your child/partner and less likely to resort to yelling, criticizing or negating their feelings. This technique also enables the child/partner to feel safe in communicating with you and will help him/her to feel comfortable coming to you with problems.
 
So often I see couples that have developed a habit of yapping back and fourth at each other, neither one acknowledging the others' thoughts or feelings and neither one feeling heard. They just keep talking stating the same thing over and over, this way or that way, hoping to get their point across. When they begin to use this technique they soon realize how easy it is to hear and be heard - their emotional need to be understood is met, and the conversation doesn't escalate into anger, frustration and hurt feelings.

The conversation might continue like this:

Person B: I'm really sorry if I have offended you or not made the effort to understand you. That wasn't my intent.
Person A: I'm sorry too. I just want to work together and be an equal partner in the relationship.
Person B: I know you're not the problem. We both have to work at this relationship. I'll try harder to treat you with respect and to be responsible.
 

Now isn't that different than it might have been if person B had flown into a rage and attacked back at person A? Remember, always make a commitment to be the one who keeps calm and tries to bring the conversation back into a positive light. Remember, negative responses will never create positive solutions!

Taking Responsibility

Every problem is a two-way transaction. Each person involved is responsible for part of it. Playing the "Blame Game" is not only unproductive, but it's dishonest. Whenever you find yourself expecting the other person to "change" in order to "fix" the problem, you are avoiding taking responsibility for your own behavior or attitude. In all situations you must self-reflect and be willing to confess your wrong doing and commit to change your bad habits and negative influences. Always be willing to ask yourself these questions:
  • Did I fly off the handle? Is this a pattern for me?
  • Do I have a need to be right? Has my need to be right become more important than my relationship, more important than my happiness?
  • Do I have a need to win the argument? Is this reflection of insecurity destroying my ability to create positive, peaceful feelings in the family?
  • Do I tend to blame other's instead of attempting to see how I need to improve?
  • Are my expectations too high for this person? Am I willing to see if this is true?
  • How can I do things differently this time so that we don't have a problem?
  • How can I try to make my child/partner feel listened to this time?
  • How will I behave differently next time to prevent a negative interaction?

Compromise

Solutions are reached by creating a situation in which all parties get their most important needs met. No solution can be amenable to all, if only one person's needs are being met. Therefore compromise on both sides is a good way to assure that everyone is giving, as well as getting, something positive from the relationship. When dealing with children, it is important to remember that what seems vitally important to them may seem trivial to us. As parents, we need to respect the intensity of their feelings, wants and desires, without minimizing them. This doesn't mean that we give them everything they desire simply because they want it intensely. It does mean that as adults, we need to see the world through their eyes. By so doing, we can understand their feelings more fully and help them to deal with them.

In a situation where the child's desires and the parent's desires are in conflict it may be necessary to come to a middle ground where both can feel comfortable; where both feel that the solution is meeting their needs.

An example might be:

Your teenager wants money each week to go to the movies with friends. After giving in to his request a few times the parent realizes that this is becoming a bad habit. The following week when the teen asks for money the parent asks about his allowance money and discovers (utilizing I messages and mirroring techniques) that the teen has more expenses than he is able to budget for and still have money left over for the movies. The parent offers the teen a higher allowance in exchange for extra weekly chores. If the teen wants even more money he has the option of doing extra special chores around the house to earn the money. The teen agrees and the situation is settled. Both are getting their needs met and both are giving a little bit to the other in an effort to get their needs met. There are no power struggles or control issues and each feels comfortable with the solution. If the teen is not willing to do extra chores then s/he does not get the additional money - but the choice is theirs' to make.

In any situation where the child and parent are in conflict, or when either desires to express a thought or feeling to the other, utilizing I messages and active listening skills (without judging, criticizing or interrupting), the situation can be dealt with successfully. There will be no need for flared tempers or inappropriate expressions of anger, and each person involved has the opportunity to feel safe and important in the relationship.

In this situation the compromise involves the parent giving the teen extra money and the teen giving back by doing extra chores.

So Many Feelings...

Many of us have difficulty putting our feelings to words. For effective communication it is vital that "I statements" are used and that feelings are expressed. Saying, "I think..." or "I feel like..." is not expressing a feeling. It is expressing a thought. Here is a list of feeling words that can be used for I statements and/or general self-expression. I feel...

Happy, Sad, Angry, Depressed, Nervous, Anxious, Excited, Elated, Bored, Impatient, Scared, Worried, Lonely, Powerful, Frustrated, Upset, Confident, Insecure, Uncomfortable, Empty, Energized, Pleased, Empowered, Hurt, Guilty, Shameful, Remorseful, Perturbed, Affectionate, Abandoned, Agitated, Amused, Belittled, Betrayed, Brave, Calm, Captivated, Cheerful, Compassionate, Crushed, Dependent, Deprived, Deflated, Doubtful, Eager, Embarrassed, Empathetic, Envious, Fascinated, Foolish, Grateful, Grieved, Hurried, Humble, Horrified, Inadequate, Indifferent, Impressed, Inhibited, Jealous, Little, Lost, Miserable, Naive, Overcome, Overwhelmed, Panicky, Paralyzed, Peaceful, Persecuted, pessimistic, puzzled, provoked, protective, perplexed, Rattled, Rejected, Relaxed, Restless, Self-conscious, Selfish, Sensitive, Sentimental, Serene, Shocked, Silly, Sorrowful, Superior, Tense, Ticked off, Tired, Tolerant, Unappreciated, Uneasy, Unimportant, Unkind, Unprepared, Unsure, Used, Vindictive, Warm, Worthless, Bewildered, Apprehensive, Astounded, Confused, Curious, Defensive, Disgusted, Encouraged, and Flustered.

 



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