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Avoiding Difficulties & Raising Teens

This Week's Blogs

Tuesday
Intimate Relationships

Wednesday
 Mental Health

Thursday
Teens & Families
Avoiding Assumptions

In a poor section of town a mom and pop mercantile suffered a devastating fire. Foul play was suspected and when the police combed the area they found three people who had seen someone they thought might have started the fire.

The first was another store owner across the street who reported seeing a black man wearing a suit and brimmed hat standing in front of the store just minutes before it began to burn. He was fidgeting and was carrying a paper bag with something large in it. Moments later he was gone.

The second eyewitness, a neighborhood doctor, saw a young man dressed like a "street punk" he was wearing a chain and had a tattoo of a burning skull on his upper arm. He was wearing a T-shirt that read, SMOKE DOPE. He disappeared into the alley just before the fire started.

A neighborhood priest noticed that a homeless man, who resided on a pile of old mattresses, in the alley beside the store, had been staggering around the store area prior to the fire. In the past he had been seen falling asleep with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Who started the fire? After the facts were gathered, it was discovered that the store owner had neglected to turn off the heater before leaving for the evening, and a bundle of papers, laying near the heater had caught fire.

We are often persuaded or compelled by our unconscious thinking patterns, biases and prejudices. It is important as parents, that we are aware of the biases and prejudices that effect our judgment. We must never assume that we "know" something or that we are "right" without knowing all the facts. We must also attempt to have our judgments affirmed by another person to see if we are on the mark.

How often have you heard someone reminisce about having been wrongly accused by a teacher of cheating, ending their remarks with "I still don't like that teacher." It would be a tragedy to carry that kind of anger and pain for so many years; it is an even greater tragedy when, because of ill-formed judgments, parents and children lack love for one another. Yet we are often quick to jump to conclusions about our children or their peers.

When a child breaks curfew we might be angry or consumed with worry by the time they return home. However, we are not able to make an accurate assessment of the situation until we have heard ALL the facts. If we are to act objectively we need to delay our assessment until we have heard from the child. We need to separate excuses from facts and hear out the child. Then we can work with them to determine how to improve the situation in the future. This type of response will increase trust and the child will be more willing to be open with you in the future.

As Parents, we need to teach our children correct principles so that they can govern themselves. Giving our children freedom to govern themselves means that we support them, and that we counsel with them to be helpful rather than judging or controlling them. If we have taught the child correct principals, then we have done all we can do. They will ultimately make their own choices and grow up to be individuals. And that is as it should be. Forcing and controlling a child is draining to the parents and causes rebellion in the child. In the end, neither is happy. Weather we want to believe it or not, our job is not to make our children become who we want them to be. It is to provide them a safe, moral and loving environment where they can grow and develop their own individuality, and become who they are meant to be.

Stewardship
Every member of a family had his own stewardship (or role) to fill. The father may have stewardship to take responsibility for family success, (not to be the boss). The mother may have the stewardship to care for and teach the children during the day. The child has the stewardship to learn how to become master of his own life. Everyone who is given responsibility makes mistakes and it is the duty of the other family members to respect each other's humanness and to refrain from judging them when they slip-up.

For Example:
A husband and wife are at a cross road and the husband thinks they should go left while the wife believes they should turn right. Because the husband is driving, he chooses to turn left. After a couple of miles, the road dead-ends. This is where the wife's reaction is crucial. She can either belittle or judge by saying, "I told you to go right. If you'd only learn to listen to me when I know I'm right we'd be there by now." or "Well now do you believe me?" These types of statements will provoke rebellious or defensive feelings in the husband. He will feel challenged to justify his error and will become even more strong willed. If he feels forced to admit incompetence, his self-esteem may dwindle, as he becomes dependent on the wife to make decisions. She has forced him to become weak and dependent or resentful, rebellious and defiant.

On the other hand if she were supportive and acknowledged that the signs were hard to read or that they can just turn around and start over, without judging, he will feel free to make decisions on his own without feeling rebellious or inadequate. He will feel free to consult with her in the future. Mutual support and independent self-confidence will be strengthened.

The same elements involved in this scenario are a part of our interactions with our children. If we criticize them when they make mistakes or try to take credit for "being right all along" our children will feel much as the husband did in the previous scenario.

Avoid Double Binds
When we criticize someone for not doing something we think they should be doing, and then tease them or react with verbal shock when they DO do it, we are placing them in a double bind. They are criticized or made to feel uncomfortable no matter what they do. For instance: Frank rarely ever makes his bed and his mother frequently gets angry about it, and sometimes criticizes him for it.

One day Frank was expecting a new friend to come over and his mother saw him making his bed without being asked. "I never thought I'd see the day that you would make your bed without me yelling at you! You're so meticulous about it, you look like a regular housekeeper. Her response was punitive and negative. Frank was so hurt that he vowed never to make his bed again, or does anything that looked like women's work.

His mother had made it impossible for him to change. She had placed him in a role and had not allowed him to escape from it even though she thought she wanted him to.

Catalyst to Change
    We can make it easier for other people to change by doing the following:
  1. Counsel with them when an important decision needs to be made, when needs are unmet or when responsibilities are not filled. This needs to be in the attitude of assistance not coercion or judgment.

  2. Show love, encouragement, and support for the good qualities of the person. Give credit for the benefits of work that have been received.

  3. Extend massive doses of support and encouragement when an error is obvious, acknowledge, or apologized for, and express appreciation for work well done, even when it is "expected" work.

  4. Encourage their self confidence by giving them space and support in making their own decisions. Let them know that your love for them is unconditional and is in no way hinged upon the decision they make.

Avoiding Barriers
Avoid Power struggles: Power and control has no place in a successful parent child relationship. Reassess the tenuous situation and begin again when you are able to approach the problem Productively. Seek win-win solutions. It takes two for a power struggle to flourish.

Relinquish control: We were given children to teach, lead and to assist them in their journey toward adulthood. None of that stewardship requires control. Control is an attempt on the controller's part to make him/herself avoid the pain of not feeling a sense of self-control.

Accentuate what's good: Every child is basically good. Make an effort to look for the finer qualities they have or the acceptable behaviors, then comment on them using "I messages." When we are in a habit of finding the negative, this will be difficult at first and may require a change of attitude or personal reference regarding a particular child. But the results are miraculous.

Be Positive: Ten minutes of negative reinforcement requires 1 hour of positive reinforcement to balance the child's emotional well being. Put the majority of your energy into positive words and interactions. Praise their efforts instead of finding the part that isn't perfect.

Don't lay blame: Blaming is unproductive in nearly every situation. Instead, express your own feelings, deal with the situation at hand and work through the problem without causing emotional injury. Blame lays seeds for shame; shame grows into low self-confidence, which can lead to an inability to try or to succeed.

Avoid attacking: Open attacks arouse defiance and rebellion in the aggressive child and foster withdrawal and depression in the complacent child. Examples of attacking are interrogating, criticizing, blaming, and shaming.

Allow them to feel differently than you: It is not a threat for our children to feel, think or believe differently than us. It is simply the process of individuation that each child needs to go through if they are to come to know themselves. Teach them; love them and support their individual identities and they will eventually become the people you helped them to be.

Encourage feelings: In some families, only certain feelings are acceptable, or only one member is allowed to express certain feelings. In a healthy system, feelings are encouraged, respected and dealt with, regardless of how uncomfortable they may be at times. Avoidance of feelings can be very subtle and include praise, sympathy, false reassurance, humor, sarcasm, and open avoidance. These things tell a child that we cannot accept him/her, that we don't want to be bothered, or that he has no right to have feelings or problems.

Be clear and concise: Avoid lectures. Express your feelings or wishes in as few words as possible.

Give them options: Avoid making demands. Give them a sense of self-control by giving healthy choices. Then support them in carrying out the choice they made. Avoid having an "I told you so" attitude when their choice didn't work out as expected.

Be firm: When the consequences have been clearly outlined, follow through every time. Avoid giving in because it is easier than working through the problem. Our selfish needs are never more important than the need for the child to feel secure within a set of predictable rules.

Avoid making empty promises or threats: Kids learn that anything goes with a parent they don't trust. Think before you speak, and avoid saying things you don't mean.

Be and example: Avoid expecting your child do or be something you're not able to do yourself. "Do as I say, not as I do," has never been a successful tool. Emulate your expectations. Also remember that the child is a child and is not capable of thinking or behaving as an adult. Lower unrealistic expectations so that the child can accomplish the task at hand.

Be direct: Avoid beating around the bush or expecting others to "magically know" what you think or desire. Express yourself clearly and directly even when you're sure they should already understand.

Follow through: If you have made a promise, keep it. If you have defined the consequences, support them. Develop trust by being predictable.

Allow them space: Children are people too. They occasionally need space and it isn't always when it is convenient for us. Treat them like human beings with feelings and needs like your own. We wouldn't demand that a neighbor tell us every detail of their life, and we wouldn't become angry with them it if they told us they needed some time alone to regroup. Why then should we expect that our teenagers behave differently? They need to feel that they have the same basic rights as others with whom we relate; to be allowed to be human.

Teach with patience: Like adults, children learn at their own pace. This includes moral, ethical and spiritual issues. Avoid expecting a new teaching technique to "work" immediately.

Imagine the future: When disciplining, keep the child's future in mind. Ask yourself "what difference or impact is this little situation going to have 20 years from now?" The degree to which it will have importance is generally the degree to which you need to put energy into it. Avoid spending time and energy on a situation that has little future relevance.

 

Keep your own needs separate: Separating yourself from your child emotionally is one of the most productive things you can do. In any situation, realize that you are you and they are they. Avoid punishing because your life has been disrupted; avoid acting hastily because of your mood.

Listen without judgment or projection:

Listening is a difficult skill. Parents need to listen not only to their child's words, but also to the underlying message. They need listen without anticipating what the child feels or needs. This requires the parent to set aside their own interpretations as well as their need to "fix" the situation, until a more appropriate time.

Avoid arguing: Arguing is a form of a power struggle and generally ends with neither side accepting the ideas of the other.

Styles of Listening: to Practice and Remember:

  1. Listen by invitation - Open the doors of communication by asking leading questions such as "Would you like to tell me more about your feelings?" or "Shall we talk abut it?" As the child talks the parent listens without interjecting, but simply lets the child know they are being listened to with an occasional "uh-uh" or "I see."
  2. Active listening (summarizing) - This is when you listen without questioning, interjecting or interpreting. You simply listen carefully and mirror back the message you think you heard, asking if you heard correctly. Example: Child: "I'm mad at Mrs. Jones. She's got to be the world's worst teacher." Parent: "Your really unhappy with Mrs. Jones then."
  3. Reflective Listening - This is when the listener describes the feelings and emotions that accompany what is said rather that the information given. People who are unskilled in recognizing and expressing feelings may have been raised with the notion that emotions are to be controlled and even hidden. As children many of us were taught not to cry, worry, be upset, or be disappointed. Many of us are unable to distinguish between feelings of worry, embarrassment, hurt, disappointment, and unhappiness. We just recognize a general bad feeling without associating it with a specific experience. For these people, using reflective listening skills is both vital to successful relationships as well as very difficult to master.

Example of reflective listening:

Child - "I hate orchestra and I'm going to quit." Parent - You sound very unhappy."
Listen to your child's unspoken message and try reflecting back what you think they are saying. They will correct you if you don't get it the first time.

It is basic to all humans that we each want to be heard, we want to be listened to, respected for our opinions and given attention. We need these things for our very survival.

Our Children are no different. They need to be listened to, understood and paid attention to. They need to feel that their feelings and thoughts are respected. That they are deserving of respect simply by their being human; and especially because they are a valued member of the family. If we give out children time, attention, respect and an interested ear, we will avoid most, if not all the problematic conflicts in our family. Isn't it worth the effort?

 



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