Listening is a difficult skill. But truly understanding the deeper meaning of what our children (or others) are telling us, takes even greater skill. However, when we take the time to listen to our children, and try earnestly to understand not only their words, but their deeper meaning and feelings, we will be better able to deal with any situation that arises.

It is important to remember not to take offense at their feelings, Their thoughts and feelings are theirs and they are entitled to them. If you find yourself feeling defensive you need to tell yourself that this is about him/her, and I still need to respect and understand what they are trying to convey to me without getting defensive.

Reflective Listening

Reflective listening is taking active listening and mirroring skills a step further by training ourselves to hear the deeper meaning of what is being said. Reflective listening is when the listener describes the feelings and emotions that accompany what is said rather than the information given. People who are unskilled in recognizing and expressing feelings may have been raised with the notion that emotions are to be controlled and even hidden. As children many of us were taught not to cry, worry, be upset, or be disappointed. Many of us are unable to distinguish between feelings of worry, embarrassment, hurt, disappointment, and unhappiness. We just recognize that we are experiencing an overall "bad feeling." For these people, using reflective listening skills is vital to successful relationships.

As noted in the first lesson, using new communication skills will feel contrived at first. It will feel "fake" and forced. That is OK. All new skills need to be broken in before they become second nature. Remember when you first started driving? You probably felt a little nervous, or out of your element. You probably had to think about every move you made and at times felt overwhelmed by all the new tasks that you had to keep track of. Then as you practiced more, you felt more at ease, until at some later date you realize that driving is like breathing, natural and automatic. Learning to use these skills is work in much the same way.

An example of Reflective Listening:

Child:"I hate Choir and I'm going to quit!" Parent:"You sound very unhappy.".... Notice that the parent didn't focus on the words expressed. S/he did not respond by saying "You can't quit," or "How often have I told you not to use the word hate?" Instead the parent was sensitive to the feelings of the child. By reflecting back the feelings that were expressed rather than the actual words, the parent is saying to the child, "I care about what's going on with you and I'm willing to try to understand what you are feeling and to help you work this out." The child on the other hand is in a safe environment where feelings are supported and encouraged. S/he feels heard and understood and will be likely to talk with the parent about their feelings and activities more often in the future. If the parent creates a safe environment for the child to share thoughts and feelings the child will feel more comfortable sharing with the parent. This is especially important for parents of teenagers. If the groundwork for open communication has been set long before teen-hood, the parent and child relations will continue to flourish through the teen years.

The next step in this situation is for the parent to encourage the child to talk about what it is that is making him/her unhappy. Once this is done the child is generally able to resolve the situation without taking drastic measures or expecting the parent to "fix it" for them.

Listen By Invitation

Open the doors of communication by asking questions such as "Would you like to tell me more about your day?" or "Shall we talk about it?" As the child talks the parent listens without interjecting. The parent lets the child know they are being listened to with an occasional "uh-hu" or "I see." When the child realizes that the parent is willing to listen without interrupting, correcting or judging s/he will be more willing to share their thoughts and feelings and less likely to keep secrets from the parent.

Although children (teens included) often phrase their feelings in the form of action statements, (statements that point to a particular problem that appears to need fixing) they rarely need the parent to help them solve the problem. Generally, they are looking for a listening ear, someone they can sound off too while they figure out the solution themselves. It is very easy for us as parents to step in and offer solutions but it is neither helpful nor productive to do so. When we allow our children to figure out their own solutions we are teaching them that we have confidence in their ability to do so. We are also telling them that we care, that we are there for them, but we don't expect them to depend on us to solve their problems. This creates self-confidence and self esteem in the child as s/he experiences successes with poroblem solving.

How NOT to Listen

Before parents can begin to be effective listeners, they must first unlearn old, unproductive habits. Often without realizing it, we communicate with our children in ways that discourages them from confiding in us. These old habits die hard and in order to remove them from our communication style, we first have to recognize them in ourselves, then we need to make an earnest commitment to omit them from our verbal interactions. And finally, we need to replace them with new, effective communication skills. The following are common barriers that parents use that prevent successful parent child communication.

Showing Power

Parents sometimes use power (or the abuse of power) as a quick fix, a way to make a child react. Although a show of power can produce immediate results, it carries with it very undesirable side effects. The parent, by using power to control a child, is in effect saying to the child, "I don't believe that you are capable of solving the problem without being nagged, intimidated or scolded."

This attitude from a parent is inviting a power struggle. The child rebels against being controlled and coerced and challenges the parents' power by asserting their own... and the battle begins. The parent is determined to win the battle by demanding obedience. If the two persist in the power struggle a poor outcome is inevitable. Either the situation escalated until someone explodes or the child concedes - which leads to the child becoming dependent and weak rather than obedient. We need to teach our children that obedience is a choice with happy and fulfilling consequences and that disobeying brings unhappy consequences. Then let them decide which they prefer. This produces children who learn to make the right decisions for the right reasons - which will serve them well throughout their life.

Showing Superiority

Preaching, lecturing, diagnosing or moralizing are all traps of parental superiority. A child who is the recipient of such, will tune out the parent. His/her defenses are quickly called to the forefront and the words of the parent fall on deaf ears. A child who is basically self confident may begin a rebuttal session.

Regardless of how important their position was to them to begin with, this type of parenting prompts the child to defend their position even more strongly. They will become too busy defending his or her own position to hear the counsel of the parent. The child lacking in self-confidence will become even more dependent and weak. Become aware of how you communicate. Then commit to do things differently. When you hear yourself saying things like, "You need to work harder to get good grades, and stop spending so much time with your friends." or "You need to start thinking seriously about your future, how will you ever be able to get your own apartment if you don't start saving for it now?" Stop yourself and imagine what long term impact this realistically will have on the child. Will your relationship be better because you yelled? and nagged? Or will the two of you eventually grow apart because the child begins to feel belittled and rejected? Remember, your words have long term effects. Choose them wisely!

It is true that a parent's most important goal in raising children is to teach them values, ideals and how to choose their own way in life. Teaching moments, however, rarely come during times of heightened emotions. The best moments to teach your child is when they have asked you for your opinion or for help with a problem. The moment when the parent is feeling intensely about getting a point across is not the time when a child is most receptive. Don't waste energy trying to accomplish a futile goal. Wait until both you and the child are able to communicate openly without contention.

Attacking

"Your just lazy!" "It's your own fault. I told you that would happen." Attacking the character of a child is one of most destructive things a parent can do. The child becomes defiant and unwilling to listen or confide. Their self esteem can plummet to emotionally troubled depths and the parent is ineffective in getting his/her needs met with the child. An already withdrawn child will retreat even further into depression and complacency. If this type of communication is ongoing, the parent child relationship will eventually be destroyed, and the child will either go elsewhere to find approval or will go to extremes to get negative attention.

Ignoring or Avoiding Feelings

Using praise, sympathy, humor, sarcasm, or false reassurance are common ways people attempt to avoid feelings. Feelings Is the essential ingredient in effective communication. But we often avoid them in an effort to avoid the discomfort and/or pain that sometimes accompanies them. It can be humiliating to admit that you feel hurt by another person's actions. It can be painful to hear your child express feelings of sadness or emotional pain. It is important, however, to allow these feelings to be expressed. It is critical that we become aware of how we avoid feelings so that we can eliminate that defeating habit from our communication style.

Avoiding pain and/or avoiding feelings can lead to serious emotional problems that can last a lifetime. We do our children a disservice when we resist expressing and experiencing our own feelings. It is also important to realize that feelings come in layers. Like an onion, the feelings on the surface Is only a cover for the more tender feelings below. Anger is often the safe feeling that we fall back on when we are feeling intensely. Generally, the anger is only a cover for feelings that feel vulnerable. If we look underneath the anger, (either ours or our child's) we will find that the root of the anger is hurt, guilt, sadness or fear. Fear is the deepest layer of feeling that is masked by anger.

Examples of Reflective Listening

· Daughter "I don't feel good. Anyway, I'm tired of school. Do I have to go today? "
· Parent "It sounds like you would like to stay home today."
· Daughter · Yea. Please let me stay home.
· Parent · Hmmm. Sound like you REALLY want to stay home today.
· Daughter · Yea, and I don't feel good anyway. I want to stay home.
· Parent · For some reason, It sounds to me like the thought of going to school today is very unpleasant to you. You say you're tired of school and don't feel good.
· Daughter · Well they are just going to have an assembly all day so it isn't all that important that I go anyway.
· Parent · So you won't miss much if you stay home.
· Daughter · And if I have assignments, I can make them up tomorrow.
· Parent · It is very important to you that you skip school today.
· Daughter · They are going to have a stupid dance tonight, and If I go to school my friends will expect me to go to the dance too.
· Parent · You don't want to feel pressured to go to the dance.
· Daughter · I hate school dances, and the boys are so dumb.
· Parent · You don't like the music or the boys.
· Daughter · I'll say. There is this guy named Dave who is really dumb. So are his friends.
· Parent · You sound upset with Dave and his friends.
· Daughter · I can't stand them. (She begins to cry) They say such stupid things.
· Parent · They say things you don't like.
· Daughter · Sometimes they criticize me in right front of my friends.
· Parent · That's embarrassing and hurtful to be criticized in front of your friends.
· Daughter · They said I had a big nose like Pinocchio. I felt so ugly. Do you think I'm ugly?
· Parent · It sounds like you are worried about the way you look.
· Daughter · I know I shouldn't be. I don't think my nose is so big. I guess I'll go to the dance anyway. I'll just ignore Dave and his friends.

This example shows that the daughter needed to talk about what was bothering her, but didn't know how to approach the issue initially. She didn't need advice or praise, she just needed a forum in which to think through the problem and make a decision on her own. It would have been a mistake for the parent to either let her stay home, or demand that she go to school. Instead, the daughter solved her own problem because the mother was able to listen reflectively and understand that their was a deeper issue at hand. She reflected the daughters feelings back to her without interjecting her own feelings or judgments and she did not use any barriers to communication.

This style of communication is very effective with verbal children. IF you are not used to this type of communication it will feel uncomfortable at first but as you practice, it will become more natural and you will begin to see surprising results in the way you and your child communicate. Be willing to relinquish old habits, the need to "fix" the problem, and your need to take control of the situation. When you allow feelings to emerge without barriers, the child will eventually get to the underlying issue and the parent can avoid being "the heavy."