Is Anger OK?

The success parents have in correcting their children is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship that exists between them. As discussed in previous lessons, mutual respect and trust must first be worked on before effective discipline can be achieved.

In the opening session of one of my parenting-support groups, I asked the question, "How many of you have ever been angry at your parents?" First there were subtle smiles, then one by one; every hand in the room went up. Anger is a normal part of life. Anger is a feeling, nothing more, nothing less. Like feeling sad, happy, or excited, anger is just another way for us to FEEL something. So why do we allow ourselves to become so threatened by our child's anger?

All too often, we equate the "actions" of anger with the "feeling" of anger. Actions however, are NOT anger. They are only a side effect of, or a result of anger. Anger is only the feeling behind the action and is NOT responsible for the action. When questioned why someone acted inappropriately, they are often heard to reply, "I was angry." The fact is that their feeling of anger was NOT responsible for the choice they made to act inappropriately...THEY ARE!

When our children become angry at us, or at anything else, it would be irrational for us to reprimand them. We wouldn't squelch their feelings of joy at an amusement park or punish them for feeling sad over the loss of a pet; nor should we attempt to extinguish their feelings of anger. Anger is a feeling, not a threat. We need to support and encourage all our children's feelings. At the same time we can let them know that their actions need to be appropriate, regardless of their feelings.

Perhaps part of the reason we are afraid of anger is because we fear that the feeling will be accompanied by threatening actions. It is important for parents to be able to distinguish the "feelings" of anger from "acting" angrily. For instance if the child is yelling, "I hate you" to a sibling (or to you) there is no need for parental intervention. It is in fact important that the parent acknowledge the anger and let the child know that it is OK to "feel" angry.

However if the statement is followed by a physical attack, it is time for the parent to intervene. In such a case the parent might say, "You sound very angry, but it is not OK to hit, just because you're angry." The parent might even take it one step further by saying, "Lets sit down and figure out another way you can vent your anger." Reacting in this manner lets the child know that his "feelings" are normal and OK, but that he is in charge of his actions and that he needs to choose appropriate behavior regardless of his feelings.

A Parent's Anger

Before parents can effectively deal with the anger of a child, they first need to be comfortable with their own feelings. Many of us grew up in homes where feelings were not allowed or where only one member of the family was allowed to be angry. We might have learned at a young age to hide our feelings or to feel guilty for them. If we are to break this dysfunctional pattern we need to rethink our reactions to the feelings expressed by others and train ourselves to deal with them differently, calmly and rationally.

If we grew up in a home where anger was accompanied by explosive or violent "actions" we might have difficulty separating "feelings" from "actions." We might find ourselves flinching at the anger of others or feeling threatened in confrontational situations. These conditioned reactions, (although once protective for us) are no longer logical or helpful. We need to realize that all feelings are OK, and that actions are the choice of individuals, to behave according to their feelings.

When our children are angry at us, it is not a threat, it is not a sin, it is just a normal part of being human. They need to learn that it is OK to feel anger, but it is not OK to act out inappropriately because of it.

When Parents Are Upset

Remember to avoid:

1. Commanding
2. Domineering
3. Judging
4. Avoiding and Shrinking from Responsibility

The language of reproof should rarely include a loud voice. Instead of yelling share your feelings about the situation with the child.
I feel _________, About _________, Because __________.
How do I feel? What specifically was offensive? What are the ill effects?

An example might be: "I am irritated." "The counter is still sticky." "I can't cut out this dress on a dirty counter."
By letting our children know how their behavior effects others (us) we are teaching them to be thoughtful of others. By sharing how we feel about a situation we place the responsibility for improved behavior onto them (where it belongs) and takes it off the parent.

Common Pitfalls in Dealing With Children.

Being constantly angry

Anger is not evil. Parents become angry as a result of frustration. Usually parents reach the boiling point before they know the heat is on. Then they try to put a lid on the anger to control it. This just increases the pressure to the exploding point. Outbursts give the offender no insight to the causes of the anger; instead they create defensiveness and perhaps even counter-anger. It is therefore more effective to dissipate your anger in frequent spurts, eliminating the chance of an explosion.

This is a lesson that should be taught to our children so that they will grow to feel comfortable venting their feelings in appropriate ways. If they have this skill they will have no need to act out in defensiveness or to explode when confronted.

Always raising your voice is an easy habit to fall into and a devastating one for the parent child relationship. Parents often choose yelling to replace less desirable behaviors such as hitting. Still it can be as emotionally damaging for the child to be yelled at on a regular basis, especially if name-calling or character assassination is involved. This type of yelling falls into the category of abuse.

The Double Bind
A double bind is when a conflicting message is sent that doesn't allow the child a way out without being hurt. For instance, when the child feels compelled to make some sort of response to a parent's remark, but feels certain that s/he will be doomed to failure regardless of what the response is.

Another example includes nonverbal, conflicting messages and is more common: A mother visits her son at military school. He is glad to see her and impulsively puts his arms around her shoulders, whereupon she stiffens. He withdraws his arms and the mother says, "Don't you love me anymore?" He then blushes, and the mother adds, "Dear, you must not be so easily embarrassed and afraid to show your feelings."

The sequence of the mother's underlying message is "Don't touch me" (go away); "Don't trust your feelings in regard to how I respond" (come closer); Don't challenge the contradictions in my behavior"; "You can't survive without my love";"You're wrong and at fault no matter how you interpret my messages."

Examples of double binds

Double messages: Either verbal, nonverbal or a combination of both can create a confusing situation for the child. When a parent says, "I'm not angry!" while tensing muscles or raising their voice, s/he is sending a double message to the child. Which is the child going to believe?

An Example might be: "We are going to the show now. Make sure your brothers and sisters behave while were gone. And don't be bossy!"

An Example might be: Mother says, "I love you," but is stiff and unfeeling.
Contradictory messages: such as, "Stop acting like a child and grow up." Later the parent says, "You can't do that, you're not old enough."

Torn Loyalties: Such as, Father: "You may not leave the house tonight." Later when the father has gone the mother says, "Dad's just upset. You may go, but be home before your father gets back."

Controlling with guilt: Parents sometimes blame children for things that are beyond their control, to manipulate the child's behavior. "My ulcer is acting up again because you children fight all the time. If you don't stop, I'm going to be sick again.

Controlling with Flattery: For instance, when parent to a child, who often causes trouble: "You are a really nice boy. You are mother's big helper, aren't you? Come help me pick up the toys now."

See how the parent uses guilt by flattering the child,(Your are a really nice boy) telling him who he is (mother's big helper) and then asks for a certain behavior. The child in this situation experiences momentary confusion. He likes the flattery but can't internalize it as truth. He is then asked a question (aren't you) which he is not expected to answer. This creates an instant cognitive crisis, setting the child up for taking on the role that was just assigned to him, rather than allowing him to determine for himself what and who he really is. The child then feels shame if he doesn't do what the adult has asked him to do, because he will feel as if he was admitting that he wasn't really a nice boy. In fact, he realizes that he doesn't want to clean the room and so he must really be a bad boy rather than a nice one.

The child does what is asked of him out of guilt, but begins to feel bad about himself because he knows the secret...that inside; he really isn't a nice boy. This is the beginning of the child learning how to control others by manipulating them with flattery and guilt. It is also the beginning of the deterioration of any positive sense of self-worth.

Later in the child's teens, the parents who used this technique will be the ones who complain that their out of control child is very manipulative. When their teen turns to gangs for identity, they will complain that it was because he fell into a bad crowd. When actually what happened is that the child was never able to form his own identity because the parent was always telling him who he ought to be. And, when their young teen begins to realize that he has been manipulated all his life, he will become rebellious and actively work against the values that his parents taught him as a child.

Neurosis a state of tension anxiety and emotional unrest, may be caused by continually conflicting pressures. We must be aware of what we say to our children and how we say it if we are to assure them the best possibility of forming healthy minds and positive relationships.