Natural Consequences

Natural consequences are those that happen on their own as a result of a person's actions (or non-actions). For instance if a child insists on wearing shoes that are too tight, the natural consequence might be blisters. It is often better to avoid a power struggle by letting the child experience the natural consequences and learn a life lesson. After all, isn't that what parenting is all about? Helping our children learn how to get by in the world in the best possible way?

Of course you have to determine ahead of time weather or not the natural consequences are going to be safe. Blisters won't cause permanent damage, but might help the child learn a permanent lesson (if mom says something will hurt me, I'd better believe her).

The problem parent's sometimes have is attempting to keep the child from ever experiencing any unpleasant situation, i.e. blisters. The parent enters into an argument (power struggle) with the child, which has negative effects regardless of who wins. If the parent is successful at forcing the child to wear other shoes the relationship is strained, the child begins to feel either rebellious or powerless in life, and s/he doesn't learn to make decisions. S/he only learns how to be pushed into doing what other's want him/her to do. Later the parents may very well find themselves in a situation where they have no control over a rebellious teen, or they wonder why their teen is such a follower, hanging with peers that seem to manipulate him/her into doing things they thought their child would never do.

• controlling parent teaches a child to be easily controlled.

If the child wins the argument then the parent has shown the child who has the power in the relationship. The child learns that the parent is wishy-washy, and doesn't really mean what they say. Respect is lost and very difficult to regain. Later, the parent of a teen may wonder why their teen is disrespectful, never listens and maybe even hateful.

• respect is learned and earned.

Logical Consequences

The key word here is logical.

Logical consequences should be used when the natural consequences for misbehavior do not provide sufficient undesirable reaction to teach the desired lesson, or when the natural consequences are too severe (as in getting hit by a car for crossing a busy street). A logical consequence for a child who has run into the street may be to not be allowed to cross the street unless accompanied by someone older, (parent or sibling). If the child still disobeys and runs into the street again, a further consequence might be that they cannot play in the front yard for the rest of the afternoon (or where ever the street is).

Logical consequences are those designed and implemented by a parent, or by another person or entity. The word LOGICAL is what defines the consequence as discipline rather than punishment. The consequence isn't flung at the child nor is it an aggressive action of a frustrated parent to control the actions of the child. Grounding a child for sassing is NOT LOGICAL. The consequence has nothing to do with the misbehavior and therefore cannot be requisite to a learning experience for the child. The idea in setting consequences is to offer the child an opportunity to learn from their mistakes so that they will CHOOSE to behave differently next time.

The consequences need to have an understandable relationship to the crime in order for the child to learn a life lesson.

Otherwise the child is likely to learn only fear of the parent, ("I know my dad will kill me for this.") ways to manipulate the parent (come up with creative ways to get around the punishment or to outsmart the parent.) and not to be honest with the parent (make sure the deeds are done in secret with the intent of never letting the parent know what is going on - for fear of being irrationally punished).

• parents need to think in terms of discipline (teaching) rather than punishing (venting anger).

 

Implementing Consequences

The goal is to teach the children to govern themselves, to help them learn that they are responsible for their decisions and that their actions have consequences. When a parent attempts to prevent a child from making the wrong choice by imposing punishments or illogical consequences, the parent is assuming all responsibility for the child and preventing him from learning to be responsible for himself.

Parents and guardians need to constantly be thinking in terms of the child's future. For instance, it is often helpful when in a difficult situation, to ask ourselves "what importance will this action have 20 years from now?" "What actions will bring about the most positive impact on the child's life?" "How will my behavior effect the unity and happiness in our relationship?" Too often we become very narrow minded and cannot see past the spilt milk. We yell about having to clean up the mess. We ridicule and denigrate the child for being clumsy or inept. The child's character melts into nonexistence and he learns that life is unjust, and that his inability to be perfect must mean that he is no good.

When disciplining our children it is important to know how to effectively assign consequences to their undesirable behaviors. This is not always an easy task.

Assigning appropriate and effective consequences requires several elements:

1. Forethought and/or imagination.
2. The ability to determine equitable consequences for a particular behavior.
3. Emotional energy to implement and enforce them without contention.
4. The ability to determine when logical consequences are more appropriate than natural consequences and Vs.

Implementing consequences is a way to help the child learn that their actions effect the lives of others. It also helps them to understand and respect family boundaries and rules. However one of the most important and wonderful side effects of appropriately implementing natural and logical consequences for your child, is that it teaches them how to govern themselves without feeling rebellious or belittled.

How is this? When we are deciding what the consequences of a particular behavior are we need to do the following:

1. Discuss the problem with the child using "I" messages and expressing your concerns and expectations.
2. Decide together, or at least agree on, the consequences of the misbehavior (before it happens).
3. determine if the natural consequences of misbehavior are sufficient.
   

If you have done these things, then it will be no surprise to the child when you implement the consequences. He will in fact, be expecting them and is likely to conform to the consequences without feeling resentful or controlled. THE CHILD WILL HAVE DESIGNED THEIR OWN FATE, which forces them to take full responsibility for their actions.

Encouragement VS Misbehavior

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. The parent's responsibility is to:

1. recognize this and refrain from reacting from an emotional frame of mind.
   
2. determine the degree of discouragement the child is suffering.
   
3. begin to encourage the child in positive ways that will enable him/her to choose to behave differently.

Sometimes there is an immediate need to stop the behavior. Such cases are determined by the degree of safety (or lack of it) involved in the behavior.

For example:

1. A teenager who is having unprotected sex is in a situation that needs immediate attention as well as a long range encouragement plan.

2. A child who frequently back-talks may not be in need of an immediate behavioral intervention because there is no immanent danger.

In cases where immediate intervention is not needed, the parent can deal with the child first: by focusing on the child's feelings and thought processes. Using reflective listening skills, refraining from fixing or judging, refraining from interjecting your own thoughts, demands or needs until the child has been thoroughly listened to and understood (from the child's prospective).
second: Determining the best strategy for encouraging the child in life, not just in that situation, (being careful not to rely on flattery).
third: Be aware of what you say to your child and how you say it, maintaining the commitment to encourage him/her, and refraining from saying things that might enable them to feel discouraged.

In cases where immediate intervention is needed: Arrest the immediate problem by addressing it in a direct and productive manner, using natural and/or logical consequences. Once the critical situation is stabilized, incorporate plan of encouragement. (as mentioned above)

Children who are acted upon and deprived of the freedom to act for themselves cannot learn obedience. Like faith, obedience cannot be forced upon another; it must be learned by precept or experience.

Four Guidelines for Successful Chastening:

1. consequences must be closely related to the offensive behavior.
2. Parents must have an advantage to successfully implement logical consequences.
3. Parents must understand the child's goals, the purpose of his offensive behavior.
4. Children who are encouraged while being disciplined respond more quickly than those who are discouraged do.

Preparing for an unpleasant family situation

Have a family council beforehand to decide on what the agenda should be, prioritizing according to need, not catering to emotions or feelings.

1. Sharing your needs with the children, i.e. "Your mom and I need to know that you are safe."
2. Listen to the children's needs and feelings, (without interrupting or trying to talk them out of their needs,) and agree on activities that would make the situation a pleasant one for everyone.
3. Obtaining a commitment from each child and make specific assignments for preparation. Parents should also make commitments to do their part (i.e. to listen to the child's story rather than get angry right off the bat).
4. Setting realistic expectations. Often parent's wishes far exceed what is practical to expect from a child. Healthy personalities.