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Productive Discipline

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Punishment is less effective than rewards in shaping behavior. Studies have shown that using punishment as a training tool may produce desired behavior for an instant, but the child (or rat) is more likely to become neurotic, fearful, anxious and helpless.

Rewarding desirable behaviors has been shown to be much more effective in teaching and training the child. Inconsistent rewards increase persistence to repeat the desirable behavior. In contrast, inconsistent punishment creates tension and anxiety.

Physical Punishment

Spanking is often thought to be a socially acceptable way of dealing with a misbehaving child, but being "socially acceptable" is not a good reason to rationalize the method.

Often parents hit their children because they feel social pressure to do something, and because they are frustrated and perhaps ignorant of productive discipline skills; they fall back on the one thing they can do without thinking.

This response to misbehavior can become a trap and an unsuccessful habit for frustrated parents. "We must be cautious since the tendency is for parents to use (or abuse) their authority, rather than find better methods of discipline, with longer lasting results... Spanking is quick and has immediate effects with the least effort...using other methods that have longer lasting results, requires more effort." Choosing the easier road is often an act of selfishness for the frustrated parent. Choosing the more effective method requires time, energy and even emotions. The selfish parent finds it difficult to follow such demanding discipline guidelines.

Consequences - What Works, What Doesn't

Logical consequences are used by the parent in an effort to set up a learning experience for the child. They are not intended for "creative" punishments, or to show the child how wrong s/he was. Logical consequences should be closely related to the misbehavior being attended to. They should be delivered without anger and followed up with discussion about the misbehavior, the child's feelings about the consequence and his/her ideas about what has been learned. (I.e. what could be done differently next time).

The child's feelings should never be criticized or evaluated. Rather, the parent needs to listen to whatever the child says, without interpreting or taking it personally, and without attempting to "fix" an undesirable feeling.

Imagine that you child has just yelled "I HATE YOU" before storming off to her room and slamming the door. It would be easy for the parent to take this personally and then fall into the trap of punishing the child for hurting the parent's feelings.

The parent, however, needs to remember who is the adult here and refrain from using their power and authority to lash out at the child because the parent's feelings got hurt. Rather, it would be much more productive for the parent to realize that the child's immature ability to communicate feelings resulted in a verbal explosion. The child was feeling very intense feelings and did not know how else to express them.

By exploding back at the child, the parent is teaching the child several things:
  1. that expressing feelings is not OK in this family
  2. that the way to respond when one's feelings get hurt is to fight back or to seek revenge.
  3. and that the child is responsible to protect the parent from his/her feelings.

In this case, it might be better for the parent to give the child some space, allow them their feelings, and take a few moments to collect their own feelings. Then, after everyone has calmed down, the parent might sit down and talk with the child, using "I" messages, to express their feelings, without making accusations. The parent might say something like, "I felt hurt when you said you hate me, because I care about you so much, and I could never hate you."

Then after allowing the child to respond, the parent might talk to the child about healthier ways to express anger rather than by lashing out at the one they are angry with.
By doing this, the parent is teaching the child several things:

  1. that having feelings is human and OK (even angry feelings)
  2. that the parent is a good example of how to handle angry situations
  3. that the way to deal with anger is to talk about your feelings rather than to act it out
  4. that their behavior effects others
Logical consequences, whenever possible, need to be understood ahead of time so that the child doesn't feel as if the parent is being vengeful. The ideal situation is when the consequences are discussed ahead of time and the parent and the child take part in designing them. The child is then more able to accept them without rebellion.

What to Do

  1. Share your problem with the offender. Include emotions, feelings and reasons.
  2. Structure consequences and learning experiences. Natural and logical consequences are most effective.
  3. Attend to positive behavior and ignore the negative. Children do that which is most immediately rewarding.
  4. Use compulsion to control a child ONLY IN EMERGENCIES. (I.e. when a child lacks ability or judgment, a parent must intercede. If the child runs into the street you must take over. However if the child is simply annoying you or misbehaving or rebelling, you should try the first three methods above.

 



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The Choices You Make Today, Determine Your Tomorrow,
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- Karen Dougherty MS -