Psych-Net Mental Health, Parenting, Effective Arguing

Effective Arguing, Lesson 8

Resolving differences

Resolving differences involves many of the skills discussed in the previous chapters, Communication skills, letting go of old habits that were unproductive, expressing feelings, goals and expectations and listening to the child fully. This section covers the difference between knowledge and action, the art of argument, compromise and difficult situations. As in previous lessons, it is important that these skills be first learned, then put into practice by practicing them over and over until you feel comfortable with them. Knowledge alone does not break bad habits - action does.

Knowing How is not Enough

Why is it that doctors smoke, therapists get divorced and psychiatrists commit suicide? The answer is simple. Knowledge alone does not bring about change in ones' behavior. It is applying that knowledge and fully incorporating it into your lifestyle and value system that brings change. Professional people may have the knowledge, but they are human, subject to temptations and shortcomings just like the rest of us.

Sometimes when we are very close to a problem, we have difficulty looking at it objectively. We may become emotionally involved in the outcome or we may feel the need to control the way it is dealt with. Often we point a finger at others and lay blame instead of looking at ourselves and determining what role we have in the situation. Some of us find it difficult to admit when we are wrong, or when a method we've used for a long time isn't the best method.

Knowledge is of little use unless it is put into practice. To be successful at resolving differences one must:

Apply the knowledge to yourself. Be objective. Ask yourself what is my part in this mess? What have I done or how have I behaved that has not resulted in a positive or effective outcome?
Once you have the knowledge and the personal insight to your part in it, you need to work tenaciously to change yourself. Realizing that you have little or no control over making the other person change, you can change yourself, and rectify the negative influence you had in the difference.
Always you must be willing to admit your own weakness to yourself and to the others involved. This requires a great deal of humility. Be mindful not to point fingers. Use I messages, not You messages.
Turn your weaknesses into strengths. Once you have realized and admitted your weakness, you are in a position to turn them into strengths by replacing them with the opposite reaction. For instance if you realize that it's difficult to listen without interrupting, begin to be aware of how you feel when you simply listen.
Recognize and acknowledge the strengths of others involved. Everyone has strengths and allowing yourself realize them, and then emphasizing them to others will almost always diffuse a tense situation. How easy is it for you to be filled with anger towards someone who is pointing out your strengths.
Be careful not to judge another person's way of implementing their newly learned skills. Everyone has their own way of applying their knowledge, and we all are on different levels and time schedules. It is futile to focus on how another "should act" in light of what they have learned. Instead focus on yourself.

A Formula For Success

The following is a formula in dealing with an argumentative situation in a productive and calm manner. Getting angry and blowing your top may have become a habit to such a degree that it feels normal. It may even feel like the only way to deal with a difficult situation. The fact is that it is not. In fact blowing your top is the best way NOT to resolve a difficult situation. Anytime we desire to get our point across we need to determine what would work with us first. Most likely, you will agree that someone yelling at you only makes you feel defensive, or like trying more earnestly to get YOUR point across to them. In the end, no one has changed, no one has heard or understood the other and no one feels better.

Before becoming involved in an argument, analyze how YOU feel. Determine what emotions are aroused by the child (spouse or other involved). For example: "I feel hurt and when he calls me names I feel enraged."
Recognize that anger is a secondary feeling. That means that when you feel anger, there is an underlying feeling that is to painful to express so you cover it up by being angry. Attempt to determine what the primary feeling is, then express that feeling instead of the anger. Common primary feeling that you might cover with anger are FEAR, feeling unloved, unappreciated or embarrassed.
Figure out how you are being effected by the situation and what impact it is having on your life. Ask yourself the following: What are my needs? What are my values? What are my motives? What are my goals?
Once you have accomplished this, focus on your style of communication...
Share your feelings, emotions and the effects the other person is having on you, with the other person. Remember to use I messages and avoid attacking or accusing the other person.
Listen to the other person with an attitude of wanting to fully understand them. Be careful not to judge them in anyway, or to interrupt them.. Make sure you don't try to correct statements you don't agree with. Instead - AGREE TO DISAGREE!
Use mirroring techniques as described in lesson #1. (i.e. listen to the words and feelings - summarize what was said - repeat what you thought you understood - listen for correction or acknowledgment - continue the process until both people feel understood).

An Example Of An Effective Argument

Husband: "Boy it's getting late, I'd sure hate to be late for the family reunion."

Wife: "Sounds like your feeling anxious. As usual I've received two phone calls just when I'm getting ready to go; and then Chrissy couldn't find her left shoe. Maybe you could go help Jeffy get his things together to help save time."

Husband: "That's a good idea. It sounds like you've had a pretty hectic day. I'd hate to be late to the opening ceremonies because my cousin is giving a speech. I'd feel disrespectful if I missed it."

Wife: "I know this is important to you. It is to me too. I had unexpected visitors from the ladies relief committee today and I was embarrassed to ask them to leave early, but I knew I had to get ready to go. I do enjoy them coming though. It is nice to talk to adults once in a while."

Husband: "It's important to you to have adult companionship and someone to talk to. (Pause) It's important to me that we get going. Perhaps tonight when we get back home we can arrange to go for a walk and spend some time together."

Wife: "That sounds great. Here let me help you get jeffy's things together. I'm ready to go already."

This example demonstrates how two people with different agendas and intense feelings about their own situations can come together, express their feelings and needs to one another without escalating into an argument. Each was able to express their feelings, listen to the feelings of the other, reflect what they understood the other to mean and propose a solution to the immediate problem. Neither attacked or blamed the other. Instead they expressed an understanding of their deeper need to be together and share quality time away from the hectic happenings of their day.

The difference between healthy and unhealthy argument is in how we listen to each other. Many people have a tendency to prepare and interject their counter arguments rather than to listen fully to the other. When we listen reflectively, without judging, we avoid argument, confrontation and defensiveness.

If you find that you have become too emotional during a confrontation, remove yourself from the situation and take a time out. During the time out get out your list of steps towards effective arguing and go through each step in your mind as you regroup and ready yourself to go back and finish the conversation.

"I am convinced that a person changes his/her life pattern only when s/he himself is truly ready for such a change. And, that until s/he is ready, no pressure, reason, or persuasion on earth can influence him/her. I am also convinced, that reform is a matter of transcending old desires and habits, not the suppression of them. (Starr Daily, Love Can Open Prison Doors, London: Arthur James Limited, 1947, p. 29.) Parents need to teach by example so that our children will have the desire to change, to grow and to follow the example we have set for them. Controlling, coercing and ordering make a child less ready to change. The parent needs to be more mature than the child and therefore willing to change him/herself first. Change includes incorporating effective listening skills as outlined in lesson two.

Examples of Reconciling Differences

Suppose your child is staying up too late to be able to get up in time for school the next day. You decide that you need to take action to get him to go to bed by 9 p.m.

(Before you learned effective reconciliation skills) - You set a new rule and tell him to be in bed by nine. Half an hour later you tell him again and he complies. The next day you have guests and you feel mean telling him to go to bed before they go home. Friday and Saturday you go out to a movie and to a theme park and you aren't concerned with the new rule. By Monday you have nearly forgotten about it until 10 p.m. Tuesday he didn't finish his homework until 10:15 and Wednesday Dad worked late and the families routine was off schedule.

The entire week was a futile attempt by the parents to bring about change. But instead of enlisting the child's help in deciding what the rules were going to be, they dictated to him what THEY wanted, thereby stripping him of any responsibility for the decision. Instead, they took on the full responsibility to tell him each night to go to bed. It was their responsibility to keep the family schedule on track so that they could enforce their rule. The child simply sat back and waited to be instructed, instead of governing himself of his own free will.

A better way to handle the situation might look like this: Parent: "I'm concerned that your not getting enough sleep and that your health and school work will suffer." (Be prepared to listen to the child's excuses and to understand his underlying feelings.)

Child: I can't go to bed early, I've got homework and dishes to do overnight."

Parent: "Lets see if we can come up with a solution to this problem. You have several responsibilities to take care of and I am worried that you need more sleep. I also want you to do your homework and the dinner dishes. Do you have any ideas about how we can handle this?"

Child: "I don't know, I don't really want to go to bed too early. It makes me feel like a kid. Maybe if you trusted me to get enough sleep on my own schedule..."

Parent: "That is certainly one option. Another solution might be that I buy you an Alarm Clock and let you be responsible for yourself. Or perhaps we could change your chores from differ dishes to vacuuming after school. That would free you up in the evening. And you could do your homework before supper."

Child: "I like the idea of getting me an alarm clock. That way you wouldn't have to wake me up all the time. I guess I could change to vacuuming too. But going to bed by 9 is still too early. I will feel like a baby." Parent: It sounds like you are willing to come half way in solving this problem. I am pleased with your cooperation. I hear that you feel you are old enough to stay up a little later than I thought and that you would like to have an alarm clock so you can be responsible for yourself in the morning."

Child: Yea. I know I'm old enough to be in charge of getting up on my own. How about if I agree to go to my room by 9:30, and I'll get up on my own? I'll vacuum every afternoon when I get home from school instead of dishes, OK?"
PARENT: "Sounds good to me. I'm very impressed at how responsible your growing up to be."

Notice that the parent's worries were expressed, the child's feelings were addressed and that both were able to get their needs met. Both gave a little to meet at a place that solved the problem in a way that allowed the child to "CHOOSE" to become more responsible. The parent is now off the hook and no longer has to waste time and energy trying to enforce a rule s/he imposed on the child.