Violence is a learned behavior. When kids get hit, they learn something in that process. They learn that when frustrated or angry, it is okayto take out that frustration and anger on someone else. They learn that violence is okay. Violence then becomes a learned behavior.

Q.) What causes the anger and frustration?
A.) It lies in the concept of power; the ability to get someone to do whatever it is you want them to do.

There are two kinds of power:

1. Power by authority - This is when others follow your request willingly. It is also referred to as "legitimized power." (i.e. your boss asks you to get a file - and you do it willingly)
   
   
2. Power through coercion - This is when force is used in order to get people to do what you want them to do. There are any number of ways that force can be asserted: through intimidation, coercion, physical force, threatening, lying, misleading, manipulating raising ones' voice, and abusing ones' authority, (remember Johnstown Ghana?)
   
   

Authority

There are three kinds of authority:

1. traditional authority- i.e. people learning from their leaders
   
2. charismatic - following/obeying someone because they have a manipulative and captivating personality.
   
3. legal-rational - i.e. bureaucratically imposed rules
   
   

People do what you want when they...

1. respect you as a person
   
2. respect your status
   
3. respect the rewards you offer
   
4. respect the punishments you offer
   
   

Q.) When they don't respect you, what happens?

A.) There is an absence of authority - frustration leads one to rely on coercion or force. This is where violence comes in.

Therefore: the absence of authority precedes violence.

Profile of a Batterer

1. Doesn't show feelings or emotions easily (accept anger)
2. Jealous and possessive
3. Into "macho things" like guns & 4x4 trucks
4. Has a high need for aggression (in a car, boxing, sports, etc.)
5. Corporate go-getter (salesman of the month etc.)
6. Has a high need for dominance - may try to control everything or everyone
7. Ranks high on masculinity scale on psychological testing
8. Minimizes seriousness of abuse
9. May have been physically abused as a child
10. Learned violence as a child (see above notes about how violence is learned)
11. Often prone to drug and/or alcohol abuse
12. May have few friends (partner may also be socially isolated due to embarrassment or because of a controlling partner)
13. Socially isolated - few resources available for support, help, or intervention.
14. Emotionally dependent on the partner - goes to any length to keep her/him from leaving.
15. Will often become remorseful after abusing partner - giving gifts, begging for forgiveness, promising never to do it again
16. Blames anger on the partner or accuses them of attacking or provoking him/her
17. Has difficulty taking responsibility for self - may blame actions on others, society, alcohol, work, partner, etc.

People get a high from violence. It can become an addiction. Like a drug, once it starts in a relationship, it escalates and rarely stops or decreases in intensity, without outside intervention. Once someone learns how to control others with violent behavior, violence becomes automatic when they feel frustrated, angry or insecure.

Profile of a Battered Partner

1. The victim may have the fantasy that they can resolve the problem. (i.e. "He won't hit me anymore if I work harder to make him happy." or "If I stop nagging he won't hit me anymore.") The batterer will play into this fantasy by promising that s/he won't hit any more if s/he will just...?

2. Is usually a placator - wants to please everyone - especially him.
3. Is obedient and compliant but at times feels defiant.
4. Avoids confrontation.
5. Is apt to have been abused as a child.
6. Internalizes the role of victim (i.e. "I'm helpless").
7. Confiding in parents or friends about the abuse may result in them encouraging the battered person to "stick-it-out," (They are afraid others will see victim as "incompetent" which may reflect poorly on them).
8. receives little help from family. (They may say, "You must have done something to bring this on.")
9. The average woman attempts to leave seven times before she is successful. Most often the victim is found by the perpetrator and talked into coming back.
10. May minimize the seriousness of the situation.
11. Self esteem may be so low that she doesn't believe that s/he can make it without the batterer.
    

Profile of Partner/Spouse Violence -

(When Spouses Kill)

1. Women kill their partners to get rid of them (due to abuse, or for financial gain)
2. Men kill to hold onto them - (the ultimate control over their lives - no one else will have her). 1. Depression or another mental disorder
3. Financial Problems
4. Unemployed
5. Lying, having a secret life or addiction discovered. May have created a web of lies
6. Being left (causes thoughts of revenge and control)
7. Believes that the world will discover his "inadequacies" because his facade is crumbling
8. Has a "mask" that is worn in public, that is different than his darker, private behavior
9. Uses/Abuses alcohol and/or drugs
10. Socially isolated
11. Guns or weapons are in the house
12. Has said things like "I'm going to kill you," (may be warning you that they plan to follow through).

Especially for Teens - Profile of an Abusive Partner:

20 Warning signs of an abusive boyfriend

1. He likes to play rough or wrestle with you
   
2. He tries to tell you what you should/should not wear
   
3. He tells you who you can/cannot be friends with - controlling
   
4. He checks up on you often to see where you are or what you are doing or expects you to check in with him frequently
   
5. He is aggressive in other areas of his life or with other people
   
6. He has explosive outbursts or a "Jeckel/Hyde" personality
   
7. He thinks pushing (even in "fun") is not abuse
   
8. The girl feels that she can not do any better than him
   
9. He does not take responsibility for his own words or actions
   
10. He blames the partner for making him say or do those things
    
11. Other people "made" him get angry
    
12. He minimizes and rationalizes his abusive actions and words - "it wasn't that bad," or "she deserved it."
    
13. He tries to monopolize your life (expecting you to spend all your time with him)
    
14. Says, "I love you" very early on in the relationship
    
15. Confuses jealousy/possessiveness with love
    
16. Often has an abusive home-life
    
17. May be into drugs/alcohol
    
18. Tries to isolate girl from friends and family
    
19. He calls her sexist or derogatory names, as if they were terms of endearment
    
20. Threatens to hurt himself or you if he doesn't get his way or if you talk about leaving him.
    
    

Profile of an Incest/Sexual Abuser:

75% of all child molesters are people the child already knows. Nearly all of them rationalize their behavior by claiming that their act has educational value or that the child wanted it. Both are, of course, totally untrue. Children are incapable of giving consent because of their premature level of cognitive ability. They are at the mercy of adults for their survival, and are therefore unequipped to protect themselves from an adult.

The Sex Offender:

1. may be overly interested in the sexuality of the child
2. may be over protective and possessive of daughters/nieces.
3. May give teenage daughters/nieces the 3rd degree after a date, accusing her of sexual activity with the boyfriend.
4. Has poor impulse control.
5. May have a hot-temper.
6. Is conservative in political views; may have conservative sexual views.
7. Has a very strong denial system and will deny sexually abusing the child, to the very last breath.
8. Is apt to have a poor partner relationship. (The partner may be suspicious but will never investigate)
9. May be employed where children are plentiful or active in community service where children are present
   
   

Profile of a Sexually Abused Child:

1. The child may hide in secrecy.
2. The abuser has defined child's reality causing confusion and dissociation.
3. The child feels trapped and may accommodate the abuser to save themselves.
4. A young child may not have sufficient vocabulary to accurately define the abuse, making their testimony confusing to adults.
5. Children eventually tell. It is important for those receiving the message to listen carefully, without denying or assuming.
6. The child may experience age regression - act younger than their age.
7. S/he may become irritable, lethargic, cry easily or become fearful of adults.
8. Child's moods may swing quickly between extremes.
9. Artwork and play may include sexual content.
10. May have little sense of boundaries (i.e. taking things without asking, entering without knocking).
11. may easily dissociate especially when stressed.
12. They may become upset when forced to go to where the abuse took place (day care, school, bedroom etc.)
13. they may play sexual games with their toys or peers.
14. They may feel extreme guilt and blame themselves.
15. The child may be angry at the mother for not protecting her/him.

Profile of a Child Abuser:

1. Was probably abused as a child
2. Has poor impulse control
3. May become aroused while hitting child
4. May be self-righteous or "always right"
5. May misinterpret scripture to rationalize abuse
6. Is more interested in inflicting his/her anger onto child, than helping the child learn a life lesson, (i.e. abusive-punishment instead of discipline)
7. Has no empathy for the child (cannot put themselves in the emotional place of the child)
8. Sees child as a possession/object and is self righteous about it. (i.e. "This is MY son.")
9. Has unrealistic expectations of the child - especially age inappropriate expectations, (i.e. believes it is OK to leave 8-year-old alone at home)

The Abused Child

Abuse is either internalized or externalized by the child. Externalization may resemble the following:

1. Acting out at school - the school bully
2. Acting out at home - aggressive behaviors including violence towards siblings, possessions or pets.
3. Hits, sassy, bites. Child may equate love with abuse, and will act in a way that provokes others to hurt them.
4. Destruction of property, arson, vandalism, truancy etc.
5. Extreme Tantrums
6. Verbally abusive
7. Angry, hateful, negative attitude
8. Tries to make people angry at them, (i.e. pushing your buttons)
9. May hurt self or engage in potentially self destructive activities to induce pain (due to association of pain with love)

If they Internalize the abuse they may:

1. Resort to self mutilation (making little nicks on arms or wrists)
2. Become withdrawn and/or socially isolated.
3. Experience regressive behavior or act infantile.
4. May exhibit symptoms of depression: a.) doesn't want to socialize, b.) somatisizes, pain, headaches, sore throat, nausea, vomiting, stomach ache etc., c.) doesn't want to play outside or do usual activities.
5. May develop an eating disorder
6. May develop physical blocks - psychoanesthitizing part of the body that had abuse (i.e. loosing feeling in an arm for a period of time).
7. Dissociation - during abuse, (imagines that they are floating outside of their body) If abuse is ongoing this form of protection may become pathological and remain a problem throughout their life.
8. May develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, or dissociative disorder.
9. In any case, abuse can lead to a myriad of mental illnesses later in life.

    

Types of Abuse

     Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual.

Adults Abused as Children

Many adults abused as children have blocked out the memories of abuse. Often people remember but have difficulty admitting it was abuse. This is often due to feelings of guilt or inappropriate responsibility for the abuse.

 

As adults they may perpetuate their pain and become abusers themselves. When this happens, they are likely to "rationalize or minimize" their childhood abuse so that they don't have to take responsibility for the abuse they are now inflicting on others. They may say "My dad beat me with a switch, but only when I deserved it."

Children NEVER deserve to be abused!

Adults abused as children carry the emotional bruises with them throughout their life. This may become manifest in many ways:

1. Low self-esteem
2. Violent or destructive tendencies
3. Drug or alcohol abuse
4. Troubled marriages
5. Problems raising children
6. Problems at work
7. Thoughts of suicide
8. Eating disorders
9. Sexual problems
10. Sleep disturbance
11. Depression
12. May have night terrors
13. Prone to panic attacks
14. May have "survivors guilt" - Feels guilt for doing what s/he had to do to survive
15. May experience external stimuli as triggers
16. May develop phobias related to trauma
17. More likely to experience repeated traumas throughout their life
18. May experience feelings of being separated from their body (dissociation)
19. General anxiety
20. May experience flashbacks
21. May have memory gaps

     

Those who had a supportive parent who intervened, or to whom they turned after the trauma, are less likely to develop dysfunctional life-patterns as adults. Those who had an overall, positive family experience (no secrets, no abuse etc.) are less likely to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those who, as adults are with an exceptionally gentle partner are less likely to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

 

There is hope for people who were abused as children:

1. You are not alone. Millions of adults were abused as children. Read books, get support from others who are willing to help you.
2. Recognize what happened. Let the memories surface, despite the pain. Don't downplay the abuse ("It only happened twice.") Events that may seem minor to an adult may have been traumatic to you as a child.
3. Place responsibility where it belongs. ON THE ABUSER! Don't make excuses for the abuser or blame yourself. CHILDREN DON'T KNOW HOW TO PROTECT THEMSELVES.
4. Acknowledge your courage. You worked hard to survive a terrible time in your life. Now you can use that energy to create a positive future.
5. Deal with your anger. You can talk to a therapist or to a good friend. Write your feelings down in a journal. You can exercise to reduce the tension.
6. Try something new. Do things you never had the chance to do as a child: ride a horse, take music lessons, go fishing, etc. You may learn to take risks in the process.
7. Be patient with yourself. Just talking about your pain and anger won't change things overnight. Healing takes time.
8. Identify your strengths. As a child, you may not have received the praise you deserved. Recognize your strengths! Acknowledge yourself!

Read an Article on Child Abuse and Mental Health

The National Child Abuse Hotline - 1-800-422-4453. (open 24/7)

Take the Stress Test