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Especialy For Teens

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This page is here to offer teens help and information regarding their relationships and their feelings. Topics include dealing with Parents, Peer Pressure, and Despair

Teen Opinion Poll

I asked several teenagers to tell me what they thought constituted effective and ineffective discipline techniques. The following is a listing of the comments I received. Perhaps adults can learn something from the teens' remarkable insights.

  • Teen 1)
    • "Threatening doesn't work! When my parents threaten me it makes me feel like I'm being put down, like they don't believe I can make good decisions on my own. Then I feel like I can't wait to do whatever it is they don't want me to do. It makes me mad."
    • "What does work is being positive with me, like when they let me know I've done a good job, or when they reward me for something I've done."
  • Teen 2.)
    • "My parents are very positive with me and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of being run down because they handle things in such a positive way. That works for me."
    • "What doesn't work is when they ground me. That doesn't teach me anything at all. It just makes me feel resentful and controlled. Teens don't want to feel controlled, they would rather have someone talk to them about what's wrong than just to take the easy way out by grounding the kid."
  • Teen 3.)
    • "Yea but lectures don't work at all! (general consensus from the group). Especially when the kid is already closed up and doesn't want to hear it. It doesn't get in. When my parents lecture me I just tune it out and say 'Yea, OK' in all the right places until it's over. It doesn't resolve the problem. "
    • "What works best for me is being given realistic consequences that I knew about ahead of time. Not these 'I'm the parent-your the kid' type consequences, but one's that have a link to the problem. That way I can think about why I'm having consequences rather than just get angry about having to do an extra chore or something. When I know the consequence ahead of time I don't get so mad when it all comes down."
  • Teen 4.)
    • "What really works best for me is having my parents talk to me about the problem and both of us trying to resolve it together. It has to be when I'm in the mood to talk though and most of the time my parents try to do that. Sometimes I never want to talk and then it feels stupid at first, but we always seem to resolve the problem or come to a compromise by the end. Knowing that I can say anything I want and not get in trouble for it helps. If we try to talk when we are all mad nothing gets resolved."
    • "Another thing that is effective is when the parent is lenient. I mean, not just letting the kid do whatever he wants all the time, but letting him make his own choices and letting him do things as long as it isn't going to hurt his life permanently. For me this works because it forces me to learn to take responsibility for my self and to experience consequences for my own actions. If a parent is always telling a kid what to do, and when, the kid can't learn how to be responsible for himself."
  • Teen 5.)
    • "Violence is probably the most ineffective type of discipline. Not just hitting and spanking but verbal violence too. When a parent is yelling or threatening to hit a child that just makes the child feel angry and unsafe. It doesn't help him to learn anything."
    • The way my parents helped me the most is by being a good example. I sometimes look at my life and realize that I'm a lot like my parents. Those are the times I'm grateful for the example they set for me."
  • Teen 6.)
    • "My dad is always angry with me. He sort of gets off feeling like he is all powerful and all knowing, like he has all the answers and I am incapable of deciding for myself what my life should be like. It's my life I'm supposed to be living, not his; but he doesn't get it. I think if he would just lighten up and let me be me I would be a lot better off. I don't really want to disappoint my parents but sometimes they just control me so tight that I feel like I have to do something drastic to get out and breath on my own."
    • "The thing my parents could do that would be most effective is to stop pretending their super human and let me know how they feel about things like when I am not screwing up. Sometimes I think they 'need' me to 'be good' so the rest of the world doesn't think their bad parents. That's their responsibility, not mine.

    • How To Communicate With Parents

    Parents are strange animals. Like animals, they come in all types, sizes and temperaments.

    Some parents are like lions who majestically lay around, cool and calm until they see an opportunity to attack - then their poor victim has no chance but to become prey.

    Other parents are like bunny rabbits. They are soft, gentle, and they may even be vegetarians. They seldom fight or attack, but they would give their life to defend their children.

    Another parent might resemble an ostrich. Their public image may be grand but their head is in the sand regarding the feelings of other family members.

    Unlike animals, teenagers don't always follow the guidance of their parents and they generally hang around the nest much longer than any self-respecting bird could tolerate.

    I like to compare teenagers to pups that are about six months old. They are full of energy and playful. They are independent, and have a mind of their own which often takes them from one activity to another. And they have discovered the joys and pitfalls of hormones. Like pups, they can wonder off into territory that can get them into trouble. Because they haven't experienced much of life yet, they are unhappy when mom comes along and picks them up by their neck and hauls them back home.

    You might be asking "How do I deal with my parents when they can be so different than I want to be? How can I tolerate them when they refuse to treat me according to my age, instead of my shoe size?" The answer is simple. Talk to them...OK, talking isn't always easy but it is effective. "I" statements are the best weapon in almost any confrontation. What are "I" statements you ask? "I" statements are brief statements in which you explain what it is your are feeling, when you feel that way and why you feel that way. The formula is simply this:

    I feel _______, when ________, because ________. An example might be: "Mom, I feel really embarrassed when you remind me to do things in front of my friends, because it makes me look like a little kid."

    Why use "I" statements? Why bother to express feelings to parents? That is simple too. Parents are living in the dark when it comes to knowing how their teenagers are feeling about things. For the past 12 years, or so, they have formed habits regarding the way they deal with you that were helpful when you were a child, but are unproductive now that you are older. They literally don't know how you feel about things and when they are nagging you or ragging on you, they may have good intentions, but they may not realize how upset it makes you. Parents yell because their level of frustration has caused their rational brain to shut down, and in their panic, they can't think of anything productive to say. Just like you, they may need to relearn how to communicate in a positive way, to prevent you from feeling rebellious or turned off by their irrational attempt to help you.

    Most often, teens do one of two things in these situations. Either they walk away and hide in their room (or with friends), or they get angry and try to "yell" their feelings at their parents. In the former situation, the parents are still living in ignorance, which means they are not likely to listen to you or change their behavior. In the later situation, the parent becomes defensive and yells back, probably topping it off with grounding or some other consequence. In the end they still don't know how you feel because they weren't able to listen while everyone was yelling.

    "I" statements give you power in a conflict. It defuses the parent's anger and forces them to listen to you. They cannot dictate your feelings or take them away from you, and so they listen and (hopefully) try to figure out what they have done wrong or how they should change their behavior in the future.

    The secret is to use an I statement whenever you feel anything. Don't wait until the situation is already out of control. Practicing them in casual situations will prepare you to use them naturally in an emotional situation. If your listener isn't able to hear your feelings, or attempts to tell you how to feel, use another "I" statements to tell them how that makes you feel. "I" statements rarely ever include the word "you" in them. For instance, the following is not an appropriate "I" statement. "I feel like you're trying to make me mad when you tease me because you don't respect me." Arrrggghhh! This is a "you" statement and will only elicit defensiveness and argument from the parent. "I" statements should never be an attempt to attack or blame the parent. They are only a way for you to express your feelings and your needs so that the parent can understand what it is about the interaction you don't want them to do anymore. They may not always comply, but at least you have taken control of your life and let them know that you are an independent person with your own thoughts and feelings.

    Get into the habit of using I statements. Practice them with friends, teachers and even strangers until they become a habit. You will find that you will relieve your anger and explode less often. And you will also feel good about yourself, for standing up for yourself and getting your needs met.

    Dealing with Peer Pressure

    Peer pressure is an inevitable part of life for a teenager. The fact that you are reading this tells me that you have a desire to choose the right path for yourself, and WANTING to to what's best for yourself is the most important factor in dealing with peer pressure.

    Review the lesson on "I" statements in the "Dealing With Parents" section of this page. "I" messages are the best way for you to get out from under peer pressure. It lets your peers know how you feel about things and it gives them the opportunity to reflect on their own behavior and realize how their actions and/or words make others feel.

    Get into the habit of using "I" statements. Practice them with friends, teachers and even strangers until they become a habit. You will find that you will relieve your anger and explode less often. And you will also feel good about yourself for standing up for yourself in a healthy way.

    One of the most difficult things for a teenager to do is to look deep inside themselves and figure out who they are. You can begin to practice this when you are alone. Close your eyes and imagine someone you would like to be like, what qualities you would like to develop and what your life as an adult will be like. Then make the decisions to conduct your life in a way that will help you become the person you've designed for yourself. When you are confronted with peer pressure, remember this exercise and make choices according to who you want to be, what you want, not what "THEY" want of you.

    Every time you give in to peer pressure, you loose a little piece of yourself. And you get closer to forgetting how to make decisions based on your own desires rather than on the desires of others. Take control of your life, create your own power and be assertive. It will pay off.

    Dealing With Feelings of Despair

    Despair often results from a faulty, emotional definition, to an environmental experience. In English that means that when something goes wrong - really wrong, you tell yourself that the situation is hopeless, that you screwed up beyond repair or that no one will ever forgive you. The fastest way out of despair is to redefine the situation. Instead of allowing your feelings to dictate your thoughts, make your reality based thoughts shape your feelings. You might look at the situation and say to yourself "Yea, this is bad but it's not the end of the world."

    Remember that no matter how bad you feel, the feelings won't last forever! All feelings have a way of fading with time. No matter how angry your friends are, they won't be mad forever. No matter how disappointed your parents are in you, they eventually will forgive you, and they will always love you. (If not then it is THEY who have a problem.) Think back to another time when you felt like the world would end and realize that - it didn't!

    If you are feeling bad now, there are a few things that you can do to alleviate your pain. Some of these suggestions are only quick fixes - a temporary lift to help you feel good enough to do some of the other things suggested. It is important though, that you follow several of the following suggestions if you are to "get out" of your feelings of despair. Otherwise they will creep back again when you're not looking. If you are feeling depressed there is more information on psych-net.com, depression page.

  • Smile. It sounds silly, but studies have shown that even a fake smile produces feel good chemicals in your brain. Go find a mirror and force yourself to smile for at least ten minutes. If your not laughing by then, go outside and smile at strangers. Sound Strange? (you're probably smiling at the thought of it, right now!) It may be strange, but it works, I guarantee it!

  • Exercise. A good swift walk around the block, or 15 minutes of aerobics will stimulate another set of your brains "feel good" chemicals. If you get into the habit of doing a little daily exercise, you will reduce your recurring feelings of despair by a drastic degree.

  • Keep a journal. In your journal write about whatever is bothering you. Write your feelings in all their blackness. Then before you're through, for each entry, end the list with at least one thing you like about yourself. Then write one thing you would like to do to help someone else, (open a door for an older person at the mall etc.)

  • Do a good deed. This is another of those weird suggestions that sounds like garbage. The fact is that people who do good deeds for others have less depression, less physical health problems and are less likely to need psychiatric help. It works! Your daily deed doesn't need to be big and no one even has to know your doing it. The help comes in the fact that YOU know it.

  • Talk to someone. Find someone you can trust. I don't mean your best friend who has, previously "leaked" something you have told them in confidence. I mean someone you KNOW will not tell anyone and who will not judge you, or try to tell you how to feel. Someone who will just let you get it out of your system. If you're so inclined, cry while you talk. Even more studies (yes I read a lot of studies) have shown that "depression chemicals" produced by your brain come out in your tears. This is a wonderful way to relieve yourself of those nasty little creatures.

  • Have positive thoughts. If you train yourself to think positively about your future, yourself and your life, you will keep most of your dark feelings from overtaking you. Start each day with a positive thought.

    Think of something, anything that makes you feel good inside. Then think of a positive affirmation. Something about yourself that you really like. Instead of seeing your life as "messed up," try to think of things about your life that are good. Instead of criticizing others, try to see the good in them. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel.

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